as cold as I can be...

Is this day has a meaning to me.. To some extent, yes.. but not a whole lot.

May 29th, 2005 is the day when my grandmother passed away.. She was a good woman.. well.. so I've heard.. I'm some what sad that I didn't get the chance to spend a lot of time with her.. so that I could have known her better.. But I guess thats something I'll never get back.. It is unfortunate that I dont have any grand parents who are alive anymore.. One thought thou... I dont feel as sad as most of the people would have expected me to feel.. Maybe it's because I never got to know any of my grandparents.. most of them died before I could spend time with them.. and the one who was there... well.. we knew nothing about each other..

It's getting strange for me I guess.. I don't know how to react to things anymore.. Things that should make me sad, don't. And things that may not have meaning to anyone, have meaning to me. Why is it? why am I emotionally imbalanced... quite frankly I can blame everything on my parents... But I guess I'm tired of that too.. It's not really a real answer... I still dont forgive my father for all the things that he did... because it didn't just effect my past.. it effected my present and my future as well.. you can only forget whats in the past.. but how do u forget things that are happening and things that will happen.. I'll be a fool to be ignorent to all or any of them...

Maybe in the future I'll look back and wonder if my reaction to my grandmother's death was valid or not.. but for now.. I'm as cold as I can be..