I've Broken Those Chains Before...

So what if I haven't said a word...
So what if she never had any faith...
So what if she believed what they said...
So what if it almost killed me..

So what if I was disapointed...
So what if I was misunderstood...
So what if she blames that i did the same...
So what if she blames me for her guilt...

So what if I smiled and closed that door...
So what if I don't want more...
So what if it still hurts sometimes...
So what if those weren't my crimes...

I'm still here..
I'm still alive...
I'm still breathing...
I know how to survive...

You think I would break...
You think I would cave in...
No my dear...
That's just not me...

I've broken those chains before...
Things that caused me pain before...
And I just never turned around...
I never walked on that ground...

Could it be that I'm a stone...
one of the reasons to be alone...
I don't know and I don't care...
Heartless moments I couldn't spare...

You think I would break...
You think I would cave in...
No my dear...
That's just not me...

A world in me...

As the world is contracting day by day, I find my self standing outside and watching the show. It feels a bit weird to watch how people act and react under certain curcumstances. But on the same not, I feel good, knowing that I can watch this show and learn something from each observation. Every night seems to have grown longer and every day seems like moving too fast. Sometime it's hard to stop a moment and observe it. Is it just me or is it really true what they say. Time gains speed as you grow older. There is no one really left to talk to and there is no one left that understands all my bablings. I guess the more you discover yourself the more alone you become. I wonder who said that self awareness is the best thing that can happen to a person.

In every man and every woman, there is a world in it's own. And each world is filled with countless imaginations and countless realities. There aren't much that people can see. And there aren't much that people allow others to see. However, it doesn't mean they exist. Some people hide these worlds from the rest of the universe so that they are the only ones who know about it. And some simply don't know how to show it. I wonder if some one is out there whom I'll allow to see my world, who will understand my reality. I don't bind my self with a hope that there is one but they say we are all connected to someone. One way or the other. I wonder how much that is true. For me it's a simple and yet complicated truth. The one who sees my world will be showing me hers. Am I ready for that? or do I like to fool my self with the idea that there is some what hope still left in me to believe that this is not an imagination. But a reality waiting to occure.

White Road On a Black Day

It was getting dark outside. Snow was falling hard that day. And even thou I was holding the cup of the black sugarless coffee in my hands, I could feel the chill going through the bodies of people, whom I could see from the window of that warm coffee shop. The look on the faces and the consistency of balancing themselves as they walked on the white roads of Ranforth Drive, while at the same time trying to look through the windy air that carried the snow flakes with it.

I looked down in the cup. It was nearly empty now. But my thoughts weren't staying on getting a refill because my ears were filled with the jumbled murmered voices that were filling the coffee houses. A high pitched voice of a lady explaining another man how her daughter hasn't called her back from somewhere I didn't know of. And an old man slurping on his coffee as if he's trying to enjoy every single sip. A few giggles of some young girls and some wisperings as if telling each other some dirty little secrets of their boyfriends. And a few middle aged men talking about construction work. But in all this comotion, my mind couldn't focus on any of them at that point. Infront of me was a girl with tears in her eyes. My gaze was fixed on one that was rolling down her right cheak as it landed on the table. And before another could land she wiped them off with a napkin. Still sniffing a bit, she looked at me and said. "I don't see the point anymore". She paused and looked outside the window as if she was remembering something. "It's getting harder and harder each day... And I just don't know what to do" She said with desparation in her voice. I was hoping she would just stop thinking about all the things that has happened that weak. I knew it wasn't that easy but in my mind I knew that she has to try. Looking at the cup of coffee that was laying infront of her, still full and probably cold, she wispered something. I couldn't make anything out of it. "What?" I inquired. She looked at me as if trying to understand why I failed to hear her words. She opened her mouth to say something but then she stopped before she could even begin. "Nevermind..." she said. "You wont understand..." she said with a cracked voice. "There are other options. But I don't know if you're strong enough to take them on." I gave her my opinion on the matter and recieved a confused look from her. She was trying to analyze while looking me straight in the eyes. "How?" she asked me. I took another sip from my cup which made the cup completely empty. Looked outside just to get a glance of the road again. And then I started to talk to her.

After talking to her a few more minutes Presenting a solution to her that I thought would work in her favor and while give her the opportunity to gain what she's been after, I realised that the conversation had no conclusion. To my surprise, there was nothing I said to her that she wanted to follow. She was convinced that she was making an effort in her own approved ways but I knew that it was the complete opposite. After insisting for a few moments to consider the possibility she said, "I doubt I have any interest in these matters. These things are not for me. So let's not talk about this anymore." After this comment I could feel that there was nothing more to add to the scene. I knew what my role was in this meeting and I understood the part and played it well. Unfortunately it didn't end the way she pictured it in her head and niether did it end in the way I visioned it. But atleast she was good in re-writing another end to that scene. Leaving me as just a listener. Leaving her as a victim. And leaving the society as the cruel villian. She picked up her purse. Said her good byes and left the building. I sat there for a few moments, trying to piece together the events that took place in that weak. Her denial to accept the solution ment nothing. I was still right. I was still sure that her method of approach to the matter wasn't right. But the one thing that created a reason for not to lose my temper on her stupidity was a very simple and honest truth. It wasn't mine to deal with.

10 minutes ago: "How can I love someone I haven't met and accept him to be my husband when I barely know him." she said. The look in her eyes was announcing her desperation. "You can end it if you don't want to continue this game." I said while looking at the counter and waving my fingers to grab the attention of the young waitress. "I can't... I don't think I can... Women from our family don't do this!!!" Silence followed after loud screaming words hit the walls of the coffee shop and bounced back. I could feel the head turning at the tables behind me and I could see the rest of the people behind her looking back at us. She looked down and said "I'm sorry... I didn't mean to shout at you...". My concern wasn't her shouting anymore. I was more discusted with the way people were looking at us. Yet my eyes were stuck on her lowered head. "If you can't ask for a divorce then I'm afraid you'll have to deal with this when you leave for Pakistan and arrive at his door step." I said and continued, "I know a good divorce lawyer that can take care of..." before I could finish my sentence she jumped and said "No! I have to follow my parent's will... They are.... I respect them... I don't think I can ever say 'No' to them... I haven't... I can't..."

10 minutes after: "What's wrong with that girl?" asked jenny the waitress. "Nothing" I said and while trying to avoid another question related to whom jenny would have called "weird girl" I said "Can I get a refill?". "Yeah... Drinking black again?" she asked. "Yeah..." I replied as I looked down inside my empty cup and then continued, "It's another black day... too bad...". She smiled while pouring the coffee in my cup. "It's always a black day." she said and walked away to another table. "I looked at the cup, again, filled with hot coffee and then my eyes were back on the road again. A white road on a black day.

Closed Chapter.

I don't like the idea to start off with the intention of insulting someone's intelligence but there is a limit to what I can take. A lot of people claim that they understand me and that they understand the reason for my anger. But they don't. In fact, they don't even have the slightest of ideas of what goes in my mind. But ofcourse there are those who consider it a normal thing to pass a judgment without knowing the facts that surrounds a person or his or her circumstances. And too all of those who think they have the right to pass a judgment without knowing the facts from fiction.. Well... I pity you. I pity those who do not understand the basics of humanity that was meant to be part of our lives but isn't, thanks to those who consider it a privilege to eliminate others who think in other dimensions. I pity those who take pride in eradicating the means to let our minds and our souls grow into something that is far more better than anything we have yet encounters. In simpler words. I pity those who are afraid of evolution of mankind. Just because you're set in your ways doesn't mean everyone else has to follow you. And just because someone is NOT following you doesn't mean they are lunatics. I have stressed this point so many times but now I pity those who fail to understand this. In the beginning I was use to hold anger inside me for those who were so close minded that they couldn't differentiate between a bird and a bee. But now I think I've seem to pity them more than anything else. And yes I consider them low lives because that's what they are. That is exactly what a person is if he cannot see beyond a certain point and still claims there is nothing there.

I know there are those who hate me and there are those who claim to like me or even love me but the question is.. What do I feel for them? For some I feel the same way. And for some I just pity them. But unfortunately I cannot blame them. It's not their fault that their minds are so closed. I guess that is how they were brought up and that is what they can be at their best. So as of this moment, they are nothing more then a closed chapter in my life. Something that I will not care to open again. Not because I don't like to. Simply because, it's just not worth it.