as cold as I can be...

Is this day has a meaning to me.. To some extent, yes.. but not a whole lot.

May 29th, 2005 is the day when my grandmother passed away.. She was a good woman.. well.. so I've heard.. I'm some what sad that I didn't get the chance to spend a lot of time with her.. so that I could have known her better.. But I guess thats something I'll never get back.. It is unfortunate that I dont have any grand parents who are alive anymore.. One thought thou... I dont feel as sad as most of the people would have expected me to feel.. Maybe it's because I never got to know any of my grandparents.. most of them died before I could spend time with them.. and the one who was there... well.. we knew nothing about each other..

It's getting strange for me I guess.. I don't know how to react to things anymore.. Things that should make me sad, don't. And things that may not have meaning to anyone, have meaning to me. Why is it? why am I emotionally imbalanced... quite frankly I can blame everything on my parents... But I guess I'm tired of that too.. It's not really a real answer... I still dont forgive my father for all the things that he did... because it didn't just effect my past.. it effected my present and my future as well.. you can only forget whats in the past.. but how do u forget things that are happening and things that will happen.. I'll be a fool to be ignorent to all or any of them...

Maybe in the future I'll look back and wonder if my reaction to my grandmother's death was valid or not.. but for now.. I'm as cold as I can be..

Another number to the years in my life.

Yesterday I turned 26. Even thou it's not a very big number but for me it's something.. It means I'm only 4 years away from being 30. I can hardly believe that it's been so long ago that I was 20 years old. Life surely changes.. I remember the time when I was about to leave Pakistan.. I was 22 and was going to turn 23 in afew days.. And today it's a completely different story.. It's not that age makes a big difference. I looked like I was 28 when I was 21 so.. it's not something that scares me that much. But when I think about 26 years of time that I've spent the way I have.. It feels so wasted.. Maybe I'm feeling like there isn't much I can do about the time.. Maybe it's just a temporary thing.. Maybe it's because of the environment I am in.. I can't say.. There can be a lot of reasons so I'm not bothing thinking what the reasons are..


What can I do to make this year for me to be a great year.. This year I have a lot of things I want to achieve.. I hope that I can. I surely want to.. but I'm not entirely sure if I can unless I can pay for all that.. hehe. Money does come in after all.. When I was a little dude I didn't know that money would matter that much. but I guess it does when it comes to necessities. Anyways.. I hope what I have in mind and what I have planned out for this year of my life. I can always give it a try. Lets see...

A Hope for Possibilities...

Phew... where do i begin.. well.. it's been a while since I've been trying to do something.. and finally today I have initiated. It's been quite sometime ago when aZ! requested for ioa... And it's been quite sometime since I've been struggling to figure out a way to do this for him.. I know that he believes that not every one does things that donot concern them. I know that because it's very clear when u talk to him. He doesn't expect anything from others. But is thankful when he sees something.. I got a message from him through saba today.. More like a thank you note from him to me.. Quite honestly I dont know why he would want to thank me. I didn't really do it for him. I thought for a while that if I do this, what do I get out of it... after thinking for a while I think I realised the main course of my actions. I wanted to do this because it was his dream. It was something he wanted for quite sometime but didn't know how to presue it.. And by being a medium through which I could create a possibility for his dream to come true.. I guess I recieved a bit of satisfaction.

There weren't any people around me when I wanted my dreams to come true.. so I learned to do it on my own. Did they come true.. lets just say that I dont think about them anymore. And by me doing something for him, It doesn't mean that he couldn't do it on his own.. it just means that I knew how to do it with my resources... And I'm glad I did. Because it made a difference in his life. It doesn't matter how small or how big it is.. it's something.. And this something has made him smile if not pushed him into a happy go-lucky mode. I know that by doing something I gave him a reason to atleast consider the option of believing in people again.. even if it is just a little bit.. gives me a bit of satisfaction that atleast someone got something that they dreamed of.. I'm happy for him. and I'm happy that I was there to see a dream come true :) It doesn't make me anything better than what I am. It just makes a reason to hope for possibilities.

adding another log...

It's 2:24AM.. I'm pretty much doing nothin' just listening to some music that I know will be there in my head when I'm about to take a sleep.. as usual I wont be able to sleep that early again.. thanks to the music in my head.. But I guess it's better than having all those thoughts that I usually have in my head.. Atleast this way I can have some peace of mind.. there is a movie on the tv.. I've seen this one before.. quite honestly I hate this one.. it just sucks.. well.. low budget movie that persues action with aliens.. not my kind of movie.. so.. not really watching it but it's on.. nothing else is on so this is on.. how was my day today.. I quite honestly can say that it was yet another boring day, except for the part that naweed showed up for a while and we had some good time.. same old me.. chatting with some friends.. trying to create a life in this.. I wonder if it is considered a life.. all of us who like spending time on a computer chatting with people.. I really wonder if it is life.. I know that eventually I'll get sick of this screen and probably stay off line..

It's been quite sometime since I talked to sanna.. I guess she is still mad at me.. I wonder how long she will continue.. the unusual part about this fight is that I'm not pissed anymore.. usually I stay pissed for like ages on a subject that i disagree.. but this is a bit different.. I guess maybe I care for her.. or maybe no one else does.. God knows why but it's the first time..

ah... one of my favorite song is playing.. nice.. I usually listen to a song for so long that I get it fixed in my head and then i stop listening to it for months. Later when I listen to it again.. it feels even better.. hmm... I guess thats my way of preserving something as a beautiful as it was first... if only it was possible with human beings as well.. unfortunaly I can only have memories of the ones that I left behind in my journey.. The worst part of this journey is that I dont know where I'm going... I wish I did.. People say that reading from my poetry.. I give them the feeling of being lost and not willing to find my way.. I guess after staying in the dark for such a long time.. the light hurts.. hmm... too bad it's not easy ignoring the fact that light is the end result of what I seak from the prison I'm in.. but if thats true then why do I not seek my escape anymore? why I stay here knowing that all these thoughts and all this pain that I've carried as a baggage with me from my past is eating me alive from the inside.. quite honestly... even thou I may know the answer... I might not be ready to understand it... I do wonder thou... when I will be ready? when will I be strong enough to finally break these unseen and invisible chains? Again.. I'm not sure.. I guess time will answer that question some day...

a long time ago I read something somewhere... I wanted it to be the motto of my life.. insted it turned out to be completely opposite...

"destiny is not what makes u... it's something u make.. it's not something to wait for... it waits to be achieved."

a long time ago I believed in this.. now... I dont know... maybe I do know but I just dont give a crap about it anymore...

Innocent

Oh, Johnny wishes he was famous
Spends his time alone in the basement
With Lennon and Cobain A guitar and a stereo
while he wishes he could escape this
it all seems so contagious
Not to be yourself and faceless
In a song that has no soul
I remember feeling low
I remember losing hope
And I remember all the feelings and the day they stopped
We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...
We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...
Tina's losing faith in what she knows
Hates her music hates all of her clothes
Thinks of surgery and a new nose
Every calorie is a war
And while she wishes she was a dancer
And that she's never heard of cancer
She wishes God would give her some answers
And make her feel beautiful
I remember feeling low
I remember losing hope
I remember all the feelings and the day they stopped
We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...
We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...
One day, you'll have to let it go
You'll have to let it go
No...
One day, you'll stand up on your own
You'll stand up on your own
Remember losing hope
Remember feeling low
Remember all the feelings and the day they stopped
We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...
We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...
We are (one day), we are all innocent
We are all innocent (you'll have to let it go)
We are, we are (you'll have to let it go, no..)
We are (one day), we are all innocent
We are, we are (you'll stand up on your own)
We are, we are all innocent (you'll stand up on your own..)
We are, we are all innocent

Innocent by Our Lady Peace