I met a fan today.

Alright.. Today something a bit funny happened.. I was at work and for some reason I had to go and visit someone at their house. I got there and we started talking a bit and in between that I told him about my band Dehek, the guy was a bit surprised to see me. Turns out he's a fan and then he asked me for an autograph. :) Anyways.. I gave him the autograph and he asked me for my email address on msn. I gave him that and then when I got home turns out he has already added me. Anyways.. he said Hi again and then says.. "u know my mom is hooked on to your song" lol.. hahaha. that was a bit unusual for me to hear from someone.. and then the guy drops a bomb on me and says. It was really a big thing that a personality like me has visited him at his home and that he wont be able to sleep tonight knowing that he met me today. There he was telling me about all this and I'm laughing my head off.. hahaha. Even now i can't help but smile when I'm writing this. How unusual it turned out thats what I'm thinking of. Who would have thought that I go out for work and meet a fan like that.. A friend of mine thought he's just buttering me up for something. hehehe.. well she could be right too.. but as long as I dont know that.. I'm kinna enjoying this. :) It sort of reminds me of that girl who was use to send me flowers at work after listening to me play once at a friend's birthday party. I guess just when u think life couldn't hold a surprise for u, u end up getting another one.

The Awful Truth

What do u think?

immortal unwanted..

would somebody please define what immortality is? I often hear people that everyone seeks immortality in some way. some build cities. some build castles and some help or destroy parts of worlds so that they can be remembered. And for those who don't have the power to do that.. they simply have children to carry their name into the next generation and the next and the next. Some are remembered when they didn't even plan to be in the books of history. one way or the other on a scale grand or small, we all create immortals. But what do u do when u don't want some one to be immortal? what do u do when dont want someone to be remembered by YOU! how do u erase that person from your memory when all u can remember from that is the torture u've endured over the years of your life? how do u forget someone who isn't worth remembering???

not sleeping

how tired do one has to be before he or she sleeps? I'm awake when I'm asleep. Everything that is going around when I'm sleeping. I'm aware of it.. The TV outside.. the programs on it. The Radio that my sister is listening to.. The phone conversation my bro is having with his friends that he doesn't want my dad to find out about.. I can hear it all... all of this becomes part of my life even thou I dont want it to be.. I just lay there.. breathing in and out.. with my eyes closed and coved with something to stop the daylight from entering my dreams.. and after 6 hours of just laying there I'll get up again.. it's been years since I last felt that I was dreaming about something nice.. but I guess that doesnt' happen.. not willingly.. I think I'll wait for a night when I can finally fall a sleep. the question however is.. would I wanna walk up after that..?? I dont know.. I'll find out when I get to that point.

back on memory lane.

A few moments ago, I was watching the movie called "The Butterfly Effect". I loved the movie but just when it was about to end, just at the last scene, something triggered an emotion that I thought I finally had under control. Ah... I started to feel the same way as the day I left my life behind.. I don't know why but it happened again. I started to think about all the things and everything that relates me to her.. *sigh* I thought I finally have gotten over it....... I guess I haven't. I'm sure that I won't be watching that movie ever again. Even thou it is a good one, somehow I think I don't want to feel that way ever again. Sometimes u have to sacrifice something that matters to u the most in order for everyone to be happy and stable. I guess that movie reminded me of that once again. Even thou I shouldn't regret what happened 3 years ago... I can't help but feel this way. I go back to the memory lane from time to time and all I can gather from it is the sorrow that I feel today.. People tell me that I shouldn't keep those memories.. But how can I not? Thats all that is left in my mind. A faded picture of a smile that could bring back life in me no matter what I've been through. I guess I shouldn't think more about it anymore.. cuz that only makes it worse.

My Pieces

Another day has passed and unlike any other day. I was outside but like any other day. I felt alone. Even when I'm not in my surroundings I'm feeling this way. I guess I'm so use to feeling this way that now it doesn't matter where I am. I spent most of my day at a coffee shop having some irish coffee and reading a book. No one dared to bothered me and I didn't bother anyone. Reading that novel got me thinking about something. Everything we do takes a piece of us and gives us a piece of them. And, with or without our intentions, becomes part of our lives. I wonder which part of me is my own now. I wonder what's original about me or anyone else for that matter. Piece by piece we turn into who we are and there are so many pieces.. all of them belonging to separate time frames in my life or some person who was part of that time.

If this is in anyway true then where do I stand? In a reality that shouldn't be real? Or a dream that is impossible...??

a different side of someone.

last night's dinner was great. It was a bit more expensive than what I thought it to be. $77.75. but I guess it's fine. Since I don't spend that much money on dinner probably once a year. :) Unless it is with some really close person. Me and Rita talked for quite sometime before we ordered a meal. And in that 6 hour window I figured out a lot of things about what the whole deal of dating in the forties is like. Quite honestly I wasn't sure what it would be like if I was 40-ish and dating someone. She's got a boyfriend who's doing alright. But based on what I observed from her. She isn't that much into him. I guess thats what u'll think when she tells u that if they break up then she will not have any regrets or remorse. She said that she might feel sorry for the guy. hmmm.. thats interesting.. Does that mean she thinks she is too good for him? or does it mean that she does more for him than anyone else? Frankly, I have no freakin' clue. But I know this much. She went back to dating after a very long time and if this is what she thinks of her boy friend than I guess I don't know women as good as I thought I did.

Rita and I go back atleast 3 years.. We were use to work together and had a good time there at the office. Even thou she was my supirior, she always had questions about things that she wanted me to answer. And I gladly did, since we were friends before she was apointed my supervisor. But based on what I know about her. I think she's lucky to have Brian as a boyfriend. It's true that I don't know Brian at all. I haven't even met the guy. But she seems a lot more happier and clear headed as she was before. But how do you know what a person is truely like? They say that if you spend time with them, you get to know them better. And me and Rita spent a lot more time together than brian and rita has so far. I guess long hours at work demanded that from both of us. But if this is how u get to know a person. Anyways.. The conclusion of the dinner with Rita was that there are still a lot of things that I don't know about the people I'm close to. Maybe it's because I haven't spent time with them as much as one should in order to know someone in that much detail. Or maybe when you're dating someone. You get to see another side of that person. The side that was either not available to be shown to every one else or it just got created. I have no idea which analysis would fit in better. But I would like to know how far this depth of creativity goes. Hmmm... Maybe I'll have to observe this from the inside of the circle. Insted of the outside.

an usual turn of events....

Alright.. just a few moments ago I had a fight with one of my friends.. she doesn't get it.. she thinks that controlling everything and everyone around her is the way to go.. well.. I'm sorry but I didn't know that dictatorship is a loveable charmish act. And to top it all, it's like she is passing a judgement that I'm guilty of using profanity in a discussion forum. where people simply don't get their heads out of their behinds and see the world in a different light. Girls do this. Girls do that.. Men are better because thats what islam teaches.. whatever!!!! I doubt any religion teaches that a women is ment to be lower than a man.

Anyways back to the original point I'm trying to make here.. A discussion about why Extra Marital Affairs Happen had this little art work written in there.. some Geniuses idea of bring out facts.. "This situation comes to those couples who used to have bf's and gf's in their teenage or before marriage" and my reply to that was "There are good points here that you guys have mentioned. But the one about dating before marriage leading to EMA. Thats just BullCrap." so I wrote "Bull Crap" and thats profanity to her.. I could have said a lot of stuff that IS profanity but insted I sensored up my word and use crap insted of writing down shit! and that, somehow, is crossing my lines and becoming too offensive to the Aquarian Shrink. So there we were and a judgement was passed.. "Such explicit language is not considered emotional outbursts and is not wanted on this forum. " Fine by me.. I'm never going back to that Hitler's Hen House again..

But just to be clear.. If you're trying to achieve a better standard of life where people have a very sensored life style and everyone is tucked in the sheets of mesmerizing beauty that comes from a culture of two faced individuals, who consider the OLD days of the world to be the best times... where women and individuality has no rights? well then suck on a lollypop and get in line to join "saddam hussain bacholar degree of dictatorship" I'm sure u'll be a fine Jack Asses!! when u come out.

Close Enough..

I've had an incident in my life where I got too much emotionally involved in a song and couldn't record anything for hours.

I'm sitting infront of my laptop. Got my headphones on. Listening to Hotel California Live version. I don't know what is about this song that makes me cling to it everytime I play music. I guess it's the way the song is written. I guess it's the story behind the lyrics. The more I think about the song, the more i listen to it the more I want to know what the writer was feeling when he wrote this. And another thing that shakes me in my seat is the composition. I mean.. what were they thinking at that time? Honest to God I have no clue. But I know it would have hurt a hell lot more than what it represents. I wonder what the whole part of this creation would have been like. I guess I somehow feel it too. Maybe not as closely as they would have felt. But close enough.

Interesting Morning..

Well.. this turned out to be an interesting morning for me. I got an email from a British Underground Rock Band who checked out some of my work. liked the song 'Yaadien', and asked me to review his work. Quite honestly I didn't know what to think at first.. I thought it was another paki new comer band from England but it turns out, they are some local kids. so.. I was just checking their work a few minutes ago. Quite Honestly.. they are pretty good.. I see the touch of some of my old favorites like Oasis, Led Z., David Bowie.. Anyways.. I thought I better put down the experience in here while am at it. :) Hmmm.. Interesting Morning..

Comfortable

I just remembered that time at the market
Snuck up behind me and jumped on my shopping cart
And rode down
Aisle five

You looked behind you
Smiled back at me
And crashed into a rack full of magazines
They asked us
If we could leave

Can’t remember
What went wrong last September
Though I’m sure you’d remind me
If you had to

Our love was
Comfortable
And so broken in

I sleep with this new girl I’m still getting used to
Her friends all approve
Say she’s gonna be good for me
They throw me
High fives

She says the Bible is all that she reads
And prefers that I not use profanity
Your mouth was
So dirty

Life of the party
And she swears that she’s artsy
But you could distinguish
Miles from Coldtrain

Our love was
Comfortable
And so broken in

She’s perfect
So flawless
Or so they say

She thinks I can’t see
The smile that she’s faking
Poses for pictures
That aren’t being taken

I love you
Grey sweat pants
No make up
So perfect

Our love was
Comfortable
And so broken in

She’s perfect
So flawless
I’m not impressed
I want you back

Song by John Mayer

Eventually, it becomes You.

Some wonder why people are the way they are. "They shouldn't be". Some question the reason of someone's ignorance. "They Shouldn't be". Just look in her eyes and tell me you don't see her reason to be the way she is...

First you fight it for as long as u can. But...

Eventually, It becomes You.

The Animal Inside

what lies behind the exterior of the angry eyes?

whats behind it all that hurts so bad that it can't be shared?
what is the meaning of a delusion that crosses over the boundaries of imagination far beyond the conception of a normal human mind?

shhhhh.... don't ask. you might wake the animal inside the shell I wear.

The First and The Final.

The First Look. Stuning.
The First Hello. Polite.
The First Smile. Beautiful.
The First Time She Spoke. Sweet Voice.
The First Spark. Unfamiliar and Complicated.
The First Touch. Electrifying.
The First Question. Silly.
The First Answer. Funny.
The First Conclusion. Unique.

So much is fading away from my memories. All of which I hold precious because thats all what is left.
So much I wish I could experience just one more time, before this life ends.
So much that can't be brought back because it's now just history.

I kept telling my self. I wont change. I wont change. No matter what happens. I will remain the same.

I've changed. I'm not the same person anymore. And that hurts even more.

I wish to forget everything... Everything.. There isn't much I can keep with me anymore.. All is connected together. No.. I can't keep all that in.. It hurts a lot..

Why? Why? and Why? COMON!!!!!!! is there even one answer?????

Why is it so hard to move on??.. i managed it once.. why can't I do it again???

it's part of a time frame. I want to remember just that... the rest please... take it away....

It's cold. It's windy. I'm there on top. Trying to fall down.. But just before that.. I want to scream!!

I can't. I have no voice anymore...

Where is it taking me?

what is this?

I like this shadow...

But it doesn't belong to me..

It's part of that darkness.

It's cold. It's wet.

I dont think I'm breathing anymore..

The First Tear.. Heart Breaking.
The First Request.. Breath Taking.
The First Fight.. Unforgettable.
The First Hug.. Fulfilling.
.......................
...............
........
............. *sign*

The Final Look. Unforgettable.
The Final Goodbye. Unforgettable.
The Final Smile. Unforgettable.
The Final Time She Spoke. Unforgettable
The Final Spark. Unforgettable
The Final Touch. Unforgettable
The Final Question. "Will you be Back?"
The Final Answer. "Yes"
The Final Conclusion. I can't

In the Arms of An Angel

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight
In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

Song from Sarah McLachlan