The Erratic Life Of The Magic-Man

MOVING ON

2011-09-02T13:28:00.000-07:00

Hey guys,

I've moved my blog to Wordpress.com

if you're seeing this message then that means the page hasn't already redirected you to the new blog location. My apologies for the inconvenience. Please go to http://justiffi.wordpress.com or click here to get to the new blog location. Thank you again for all the support over the years.

PS. Don't forget to bookmark the new site.

Iffi.

To see the “Me” I want to see

2011-06-03T11:46:00.001-07:00

I've been trying to lose these extra pounds for a long while now and quite frankly, I've been yo-yoing from high to low and then back for better part a decade. The only reason i couldn’t do it before is because i lacked the right information and knowledge of how to actually do it. Over the last 3 months, I've been reading up as much as i can about nutrition and the role of food in my body and how exercises work for your body. So far it’s been helping me out big time. This year, so far, it’s been hard for me, with a few ups and downs and some mistakes here and there. And after a major learning curve and lots of corrections in my weight loss plan, I’ve managed to lose 30 pounds!!! My goal is to reduce my weight by another 40 pounds by mid November.

I've actually never considered some of the things that I'm doing right to lose the extra weight. I never considered what I was eating could be harming my body. I just kept eating whatever tasted good and that result in a pretty high blood pressure and high cholesterol levels and a gain in bad weight by 75 pounds. but it seems like “motivation” is the key to success in my case. My fiancé has been a great help when it comes to keeping myself motivated. i don’t know how i would have done this without her. So a special thanks goes to my girl Benish for keeping me on the track and motivating me when I need it the most.

My goal is to lose another 40 pounds in the next 6 months. I know that it’s not really an impossible task and many people have lost a lot more than that in a lot less time but I'm keeping myself realistic. I know my body and I know what i can do with it. The only thing i really have to focus on is eating the right things. Healthy diet and exercise is the key to losing the unwanted fat and gaining the desired muscle mass. And that’s exactly what I'm doing. I’m not entirely sure what I'm going to look like by November but the goal is to look better than ever before. After all… my wedding is in November and I intend on looking good for the pictures… To each his own.

Just in case you’re wondering, guys DO want to look good in their wedding pictures. You marry a beautiful woman and you want to look like you deserve to be by her side. That’s how I see it. It’s a couples thing I guess.

Anyway… I was feeling great about finally losing 30 pounds so I thought i drop a little something here. Hours and Hours of research and determination to live healthy has finally paid off in a big way. I’ll post before and after pictures once I lose another 20 pounds and that, most likely, will be in August. For now, I'm going to keep myself motivated and continue to see the “Me” i want to see in our wedding pictures.

Cost of the Social Networking Privilege

2011-04-21T00:34:00.001-07:00

Is it weird that most people think of today's world as a global village and yet are choosing to distance ourselves from people who are not as tech savvy as they are? Isn't it a privilege on its own that today we can be part of this global village and a network that consists of billions of people?

It has started to feel like there is a separate world for the tweeters and face-bookers than for those who only use networked computers(with restrictions and limitations) for work. It's starting to look like twitter and Facebook are the only medium for communications now a days (maybe texting too) I consider the fact that someone actually posted about getting burglarized while it was happening. Real-time face-booking paid out too because they knew that it takes longer to get through to 911 than to let people know on FaceBook that you're in trouble. Although, they couldn't find any intruders, the cops showed up just before any harm came to the family.

It seems to me that the trend and usage of these social media sites are not going to die down if we only considered the value it's adding to people's lives and pace at which things get done. You might not know this but Shawn of the Dead actor Simon Pegg has actually manage to crash a few websites a couple of times by simply tweeting about them to his million plus followers who immediately decided to check it out. Of course, it hasn't been Mr Pegg's intention to overload the website but people with access to 3G and possibly 4G mobile internet services on their quick messaging devices have definitely changed how fast things get done on the internet. The same goes for news media. The details that were coming out of Libya and Egypt and the rest of the Arab world owe a great deal of gratitude to these social networking sites. If it wasn't for people tweeting and face-booking about what was happening in in these countries, the world would have believed people like Gaddafi that everything is under control and is fairly dealt with.

But... like all things, there is a cost for this privilege... I'm just wondering what you and I are going to pay, later on, to be part of this world. The answers have yet to reveal themselves because this trend of global interaction is fairly new. But are those who choose not to be part of these social networks aware of something we aren't? When the time comes, are we ready for the answers?

New Year and some New Tears

2011-01-01T12:45:00.000-08:00

I’m happy for the last year that has passed. I didn’t screw things up and I didn’t hurt anyone. Made some new friends and lost some old ones. It was fun. But I’m kind of getting tired of people always feeling down at the very beginning of the year. I mean comon man… it’s a new opportunity to make good on some things that didn’t work out the past year… Why waste it?

I don’t blame those who just can’t really get over the fact that holiday seasons brings pain and old memories back but hey… you can only blame the world for too long till you get your ass up and do something about it. So… I’ll just leave it that.

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE AND MAY THIS BE THE BEST YOU’VE EVER HAD!

December 15th, It’s her Birthday

2010-12-15T03:22:00.000-08:00

I guess some of you know her and some of you don’t. Majority of you haven’t heard about her because I don’t really talk about her as much as I like talking to her. It’s just one of those things..

It’s her birthday today and she looks so excited. Too bad I’m not really around her right now to do some proper celebrations but I guess she knows that if I could I definitely would be there.

I kind of hate the fact that I’m not there on Benish’s birthday… Benish, YES… That’s her name My Fiancé. I don’t know the exact wedding date so stop asking me that over and over again. Now everyone knows her and the fact that I don’t have a wedding date yet. Soon that will not be the case but for now that’s all I’m going to say. I’m kind of getting tired of repeating this to friends. Next time, I’ll just tell you guys to read the blog. Anyway.

it’s a sure fact that I will be with her for the next one but for now the only thing i can do is let her know that I miss her.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BENISH. I WISH YOU ALL THAT IS GOOD IN THE WORLD AND MANY YEARS TO ENJOY THEM. LOVE YOU SWEET HEART.

Another way of doing things

2010-12-14T05:22:00.000-08:00

With the spring season at my door step, I thought about doing some spring cleaning. While that is always “FUN”… I thought about my poor little blog. I promised it so much and didn’t really live up to it. I think my Blog is mad at me. So… I”m attempting to make some changes in my own habits and testing a few things I haven’t tried before. A friend of mine suggested that I should try windows Live Write. He swears by it and says it’s the easiest way for him to blog. If Windows Live Write is a simpler or better way for me to use my laptop for blogging then I guess it wouldn’t be a bad idea. As I write these words I’m attempting to use this software and see if it actually lives up to its hype. I’m not entirely sure if I’ll be too impressed to not think of any other way of blogging but I guess it doesn’t hurt to listen to my friends, once in a while… Well… sometimes it does.. ;)

And now… I guess it’s time to hit the “publish” button. *closing my eyes and hitting the button with crossed fingers*

I'll give it a try.

2010-11-12T02:37:00.000-08:00

I've been told by some of my friends that I really need to start putting in the pictures back into my blog. I don't mind doing that. it's just that I mostly do all my blogging from my blackberry. And attaching a picture inside an email isn't possible right now with blackberry (I'm really not sure why). Hopefully, creating a enriched email in blackberry isn't going to be a problem for too long. It's either waiting for that to happen or just updating the blog through my laptop. That just sounds so old school thou. Anyway... I guess having a few pictures in there wont hurt.

I'll give it a try again.

there is something to be said

2010-11-11T15:05:00.000-08:00

I think I'm done with regular digital cameras. I get that they are affordable to but I've been noticing a lot of compromise in quality. I see higher resolutions and I see only the size of the picture going bigger and bigger. But still... there is something to be said about quality.

I need to get an Digital SLR. I'm favoring Nikon. Unless Canon gives me a reason to change my mind.

by the way... picture is of one of my favorite actor, Late Heath Ledger. And I don't think it's a Nikon.

On time?? Not a Chance.

2010-11-11T14:45:00.000-08:00

Is there a genetic defect in women that prevents them to be on time any where? When they're going somewhere or coming from some where, there's always an excuse.

I'm using my mom and my sisters as an example... It doesn't matter how many times I'm picking them up from work or waiting for them in the car to drop them off somewhere, I'm always waiting somewhere from 10 to 20 minutes before they make up their minds and show up. And if I try compensating for that then I end up getting an ear full because apparently I'm the one who is making them late.

I know that there is no such thing as Late-Gene but common women. It's getting to the point where people are starting to believe that it's true. I'm somewhat convinced think it is genetic or maybe it's an intentional act by women to piss men off. It's a risk talking about this because now I'm gonna be hearing from the feminist groups about this but who i kinda don't care.

Bottom line; Please be on time at least a few times if not all the time.

2nd Birthday with Pictures

2010-10-29T18:50:00.000-07:00

Today was my baby sister's birthday. Not gonna mention how old she is. Let's just say that she's 5 years younger than me. Anyway. As usual... We got the nice cake, we got an extra large Pizza (yeah we get pizza for birthdays) and took some pictures. Normally we aren't use to taking birthday pictures. It's not like we never took pictures on any event. It's just one of those things that we don`t do because everyone forgets to print them out. It doesn`t really cost much but no one finds the time for it. It`s not because it's not that important of an event; It always is. Another big reason is because no one actually remembers to take any pictures. So yeah... This is the 2nd birthday in a row were we were taking pictures.

Most families do it without thinking. It's a tradition that has sort of become a habit. It`s a superb way to preserve some memories and give everyone the chance to look back at the old days and remember the good times. Every one has excepted this into their lives and it's because people have established a tradition that we now see so many digital cameras available in the market. Initially we had that same thing. We were use to take snaps of almost every event and almost every time. But then slowly and slowly it started to fade. Things got a bit rough in the family and we stopped doing things the way were use to.

It took a long time before we started celebrating birthdays together and took a while before we actually started to enjoy it. I wouldnt dare say that it's perfect right now but atleast we're getting there. I'm hopeful that in the next couple of years it will all change and work out for the best. Hopefully sooner than later.

Most people claim that they don't like the idea spending time with the family on holidays, thanksgivings, Christmas, Easters, Halloween, what have you.. I'm never surprised to hear that and I understand what it means to them. There comes a point in everyone's life when people really don't care for the family not because everyone in the family is cruel evil monsters that have crawled out of hell to torment the rest of the earth till eternity especially them. No... that's not the reason... it's because people stop caring about each others for one reason or another and then they trying to justify how things are and should be. I mean come on, do I really need to explain how families are and what happens when everyone's gathered at one place after a while and then all hell breaks lose when some idiot decides to start the one conversation that everyone wasn't planning on having.

In my family, I know for a fact that if everyone gathered at one place, there will be hell on earth for us because someone will start something. Now, I've been working on this family for years and I'm hoping that things would change with us. I'm glad to say that, to some degree, it's finally paying off.

Like I said, this would be the 2nd birthday in a row with pictures. To some that might not be a great deal but to me that is a huge deal. I`m not posting those pictures here but they will be part of my family album. I`m hoping that it`s just the beginning and that we're on a good start. Well... we gotta start somewhere...

Good Advice: One Thing At A Time

2010-10-29T03:06:00.000-07:00

I think I`m going to have to buy me a Rowing Machine. Yeah yeah I know. You`re probably wondering what good would that do. Well... It`s known to be one of the most effective machines when it comes to burning fat. Yeah.. That`s right. I want to burn off those extra calories that I`ve been consuming every day and mostly, it`s turning into fat because I don`t really exercise as much as I`d love to.

Now I`ve been checking out the prices on this things and man oh man... these things are freakin`expensive. I mean just put the words into google`s search engine and you`ll find out what I mean. A decent one would normally cost somewhere from 600 dollars to a whopping $3000. Now that`s one heck of a price for a machine that`s not going to show me Avatar in 3D on a very large screen.

I haven`t checked out Ebay or Kijiji yet but after checking out the prices on regular websites, I`m contemplating whether it would be a good idea to just getting a second hand machine. Only problem so far with that idea is what guarantee do I have that it`s not going to be a busted on. Honestly, none what so ever. But it would be cheaper. Some of my friends are saying that cheaper could become expensive if I need to get the damn thing fixed from someone after already paying through the nose for it. And some are suggesting that I should just buy a brand new one but something reasonable (They think I`ll give up on it after maybe a week or so).

So far I`m concerned, my mind tells me that I should buy something brand new. At least I can get it fixed under warranty if there in fact is something wrong with it. And if it comes out perfect and with no defects, then I guess I got a long term partner who`s going to help me out big time.

When I was a kid, we were use to have this thing. Every time when I thought I was gaining a few extra pounds, I would start using it and boom. within a month or two, I would be good and fit with much more stamina for sports and other activities. I kind of miss that about my current lifestyle. So... I guess I`m going to have to think real hard about the choice I`m going to make here. And I`m certain that once I do purchase this machine, I`m looking at a long time commitment to it. It`s not an easy thing to just spend a few grands and not actually use it. The other thing that I have to worry about is the space where I need to put this monster. But I guess I should follow the advise of a good friend, Jag, I should worry about one thing at a time.

Yes... I will be taking before and after pictures of myself. That will definitely be an advantage/disadvantage sort of situation because that will for sure give me an idea of what kind of progress (or lack of) it`s actually making. Within 2 months or so... I`ll have the answers.

It Was An Experience

2010-10-29T02:23:00.001-07:00

I finally used Skype. Unfortunately it wasn't to speak to my wife to be. It was with her cousin (Kiran). Kiran is her BFF n for some reason girls can't do without getting an approval from their BFFs about guys. So... I spoke with her.

It wasn't an easy task. I had to, first, fix the webcam on my laptop which was broken for months. I probably killed the warranty on the laptop but at least now I have a working web cam and doesn't blur out the picture or show that stupid black spot right in the center. Second thing I had to do is fix the lighting in my room to make sure its not dark and gloomy. I had to fix a few fixtures and then go and get me a new lamp. Luckily, Walmart has some pretty generic floor lamps at their super stores. I got a decent one and it didn't cost me a fortune.

After I fixed the lighting, I had to play around with the web cam's settings to make sure that it works with the whole thing. And after playing around for about an hour till I got the whole thing to work for me.

And then last but not the least, I had to wait till Kiran came online. It certainly was an experience. But I'm glad it is taken care of and now I can talk to my wife-to-be with out having to spend a fortune in long distance charges.
"Sent wirelessly from Iffi Iftikhar's Blackberry"

When the time comes.

2010-10-29T01:57:00.001-07:00

I bought a Blackberry Flip for my girl and for a while I was thinking if I should have given her something else. Its not that its a bad phone. Back in Pakistan this thing is worth Rs. 33,000.00 Its actually more expensive than Blackberry Curve 8520 which can be found in for Rs 22,000.00

Its kinda funny that the same phone is more expensive in Pak then in North America. Anyway. BB Flip might have been a flop in Canada but its certainly not in India or Pakistan. A transition from regular consumer phone to a qwerty keyboard isn't easy as described by one of my good friend Sanna, who just found herself a BB Curve 8520. I guess that's the biggest appeal. They seem to like a non qwerty phone back home.

Now I'm guessing, based on what I've found out in the last couple of days, she's gonna like it. I'm confused thou. Am I assuming she's going like it because its expensive or is it because its a good phone. I guess i'll have to find out when I give it to her.
"Sent wirelessly from Iffi Iftikhar's Blackberry"

Don't Wanna Jinks It.

2010-10-25T15:31:00.000-07:00

I've been going through different blogs and what not to get maybe some ideas for the redesign I'm thinking of for my own blog. Looks like it would probably be a better idea for me to come up with something original of my own, considering the fact that nothing I've seen so far kinda speaks to me. I'm gonna have to relearn photoshop I guess. But that's not really a biggie. it's like riding a bike. (did I ever tell you I don't remember how to ride a bike anymore? Did I?)

I'm still going somewhere, in case someone's wondering. I just have to finish off the bathroom project and then I'm off . All I really need is .............. and to finish .................. before I can get ready to ............. and then I'm good to go.

I'll update later on about the plans. Right now I'm keeping everything somewhat secret. Don't wanna jinks it.

Day 1

2010-10-24T21:22:00.001-07:00

Officially, this was the first day of my vacation. Had to be the most morning day of the year. I should have gone somewhere. I should have gone to a tropical island and just forget abt my world for a change. Hmmm... I still might.
"Sent wirelessly from Iffi Iftikhar's Blackberry"

Sleepless Yet Again

2010-10-23T02:08:00.001-07:00

Yet again I'm up at 5AM and I can't grt my self to fall asleep. Ahh. I don't think I wanna start taking sleeping pills. I'm afraid i'll end up developing a resistance to them and then I won't be able to sleep at all. Damn it! I had changed my habit to getting up early and now I'm gonna bw stuck with this again. I think I need to see my doctor. See what he has to say about that.
"Sent wirelessly from Iffi Iftikhar's Blackberry"

Still Working On The Bathroom

2010-10-21T15:08:00.000-07:00

I stayed home today. I tried getting up and going to work but I was way too tired to bother. Even thou I could have gone to work if I had only gotten out of bed when I was suppose to, I think one day isn’t going to make that much of trouble for me at work unless my boss is reading my blog. In that case, hey Jag (saying it awkwardly).

I think I should start working on today’s agenda. I still have to I have to start cleaning up the bathroom walls. I got to give them a nice scrubbing and make them ready for painting. I’ll have to clean it up good… just to make sure that it’s not going to be a problem when I’m painting those walls. If I just properly scrub the damn things and clean up every nook and cranny I shouldn’t have any problems with paint.

I’m somewhat still unsure as to what color paint I should pick. I’m thinking of Sky Blue but not entirely sure as to which one I should get. There is always a variety of colors to pick from and I want to make sure that don’t end up regretting it. Because if I end up buying the right amount of paint and then turns out that I have to go back and change the buckets. My wife-to-be is suggesting that I should try oil paint for the bathroom walls. Her logic is that the walls are going to grab moisture when someone’s taking a shower in the closed bathroom. It’s going to start ripping up or coming off the walls. And if that happens then I’ll and doing the paint again. I don’t think I want to keep painting the damn walls every 3 months. The amount of work that I’ll have to put in to paint the damn thing is excruciating. I’ll have to take off everything again and that’s not something I’m looking forward to. Wife-to-be is right about this. So now I’m thinking if I should listen to her or should I consult one of the experts at the hardware store. An expert might have a solution that isn’t going to require me spending a great deal of money on paint.

I know that I’ve been talking about it for a few days now but this is definitely a lengthy process. Making a bathroom a perfect one does take a bit of time. Not to mention it adds a great deal of value to the house.

My friend Sanna thinks this is in preparation for the wedding. Well it is. As I have said before, I want to make it a woman friendly bathroom instead of leaving it like a man-cave it is. And that's also the main reason why it's taking me longer than usual to make a decision about the paint. It's the choice of my wife-to-be and she's picky.

Anyway, I’m off to the hardware store.

The Bathroom Reno Project

2010-10-21T10:10:00.001-07:00

Working on the bathroom semi remodeling and putting on a new paint is somewhat pain in the ass when you do it all by your self. I thought I would be done by this weekend but it is going to take a bit more time. I'm not certain thou. Will I be done next weekend or am I looking at a month long project. Because the moment I'm done with the bathroom I have to start working on the bedroom and the office. And that's a much bigger project.

I'll post some pix later.

"Sent wirelessly from Iffi Iftikhar's Blackberry"

Starting The Day Right... Yeah Right....

2010-10-19T10:37:00.000-07:00

As usual the day, I thought, would start with me getting one solid 8 hour sleep cycle, turned into just another day where I am disturbed and awoken by the loud banging sound on my door with my mom yelling and telling me to pick up my sister from work. As much as I am use to my mom’s complete disregard for my time and my sleep, I still hate the fact that she never ever shows any consideration for others, letting someone sleep in on his freakin’ day off is somewhat of a courtesy don’t you think? It’s not like I haven’t heard a good night sleep.

It’s really fun abruptly waking up 10 minutes before you’re suppose to drive a car, especially when you don’t even get a thank you after wards. I’m done with that by the way. My sister’s home and my sleep cycle is completely ruined (I can’t go back to sleep once I wake up. No matter how tired I am). Now I guess it’s time for me to start the day with a long list of things that I need to do today. That’s just peachy.

Since I’m up earlier than I had planned, I guess it’s time for me to start working on “Bathroom Project Phase II”. I’m considering replacing the sink, the faucet, the shower head along with the medicine cabinet and then putting a coat of new paint (Not particularly in that order). Maybe I should try using sky blue this time. I’ve heard it gives the illusion of a larger space. Oh well, off to the hardware store to do my shopping. I’ll put up the ‘before’ and ‘after’ pictures once I’m done. Which reminds me… where’s my freakin’ camera?!

Inspire Even The Least Interested

2010-10-18T13:36:00.000-07:00

A few minutes ago, I was talking to my wife-to-be. We can sometimes talk for hours and not feel the passage of time. One thing is for sure. It is pretty expensive to make calls to Pakistan. But I guess I don't really have a choice but to pay a crazy amount on a monthly bases. Its better than paying the Madman.
Why is it that there isn't any company that can offer an unlimited plan? I mean there is a plan for India n Philippines n even Bangladesh. But nothing for Pakistan. And do you know why that is? Zardari. Mr. President of Pakistan. Thanks to him, the only company that tried was Mobilicity. But then zardari asked for his cut and there you go. The company had to cancel the plan because #Zardari wants to get paid on every single deal that has something to do with Pakistan.

A flood that impacted 20 million Pakistani people. And all the money that has been given to Pakistan as AID is going directly into Zardari's pocket.
Billions of dollars of AID and the victims still had to buy water bottles at a higher price than what you would find at a regular store on any street corner.
And just when the rest of the world stop sending their money for zardari to enjoy, he thought up another way to screw the pooch. Mr. 100% decided to put an extra 300 to 700 rupees on everyone's electric bill. All in the name of AID. Yeah we all know where that money is gonna end up..
There are plenty of things I can write about the man hell bent on sucking the country dry but it would only be read by those who have no power over the circumstances.
My hope is that these atrocities would end someday and we would find a better Pakistan not just for us but for the next generation that is bound to hate the ones that came before us. The ones that let it all happen without taking a stand to make a change.
I thought this regime only effected the ones who lived in Pakistan but its shadow has reached across the borders of its birth place and now takes its toll on those who keep a connection intact with their home land.
This isn't a rant because I can't find a decent plan to make calls to Pakistan so I can talk to my fiancé. This has been boiling up for a long time. I guess the fact that 20 million victims and the populous of an entire country are unwillingly fulfilling the hunger of a madman could inspire even the least interested.
PS. Just in case if you are wondering, I'm definitely not the fan of the so called Pakistani Politics.
"Sent wirelessly from Iffi Iftikhar's Blackberry"

Mostly, its an Effort

2010-10-17T21:15:00.001-07:00

I've been trying to figure out how to send my blog update to my friends without emailing it to then individually. So far, I don't have an answer for this puzzle. And yes! I do know mass email is one of the features in pretty much every single email provider on the web. That's not what I'm looking for.. So don't give me that particular idea.

I guess first I need to explain the reason for this need.

I'm restarting something I gave up a while ago. Pretty much all my friends were use to be here on this blog. Reading about what's been happening in my life and pretty much all of them had something to say about it. But... Ever since I stopped blogging (barely any new entry in months) they seem to have disappeared. I'm not gonna say I'm not guilty here but still... I wouldn't want to lose those friends. So.... I'm restarting the blog.

I'm going to leave the old entries here but there will be frequent updates from now on. That's not really a promise... Mostly, its an effort. Let's see if I can find you guys here again.

if you guys are still visiting my blog.. Then let me know... I wouldn't mind some friendly faces.
Respect | Love | Peace

Excitement Comes With A Price Tag.

2010-10-17T20:34:00.001-07:00

I've been trying to figure out what I should do to reduce my damn phone bill. And every time I get close enough, something goes wrong.

I'll put more details here once I'm done talking to Bell about my damn cellphone bill.
"Sent wirelessly from Iffi Iftikhar's Blackberry"

Changes made (a little)

2010-10-17T19:45:00.001-07:00

I know that its not a lot of things that has been updated but hey... Its a start. And I'm not finished just yet. Give it a few days and this place is gonna start looking much better than it did before.

PS. Thank You Superman for making an appearance on my my humble blog. You can stay here as long as you like.

Regards,

Iffi Iftikhar
"Sent wirelessly from Iffi Iftikhar's Blackberry"

To Tea or not to Tea

2010-06-09T15:09:00.001-07:00

I finally bought the electric kettle I was looking for while. The first time around I was planning to buy this thing it was $90. I waited for over a month and then I got it for 45.

Now normally I don't really buy things that I don't need but since last month I've been drinking green tea and I've "heard" its good for health. Therefore I need an electric kettle. Since I don't like the idea of boiling water every hour just to enjoy a nice cup of tea, I thought I might buy an electric kettle that would at least save the time that I barely have and allow me to try something healthy for a change.

This might encourage me to drink more tea. Now I'm wondering if I should drink this much tea. Any comments?

"Sent wirelessly from Iffi Iftikhar's Blackberry"

Calandar

2010-05-12T11:42:00.001-07:00

I think I need to get in the habit of using my Calandar on my blackberry. I keep missing critical appointments cuz I wrote them down but didn't update my blackberry. Needless to say being a bit forgetful isn't helpful.

"Sent wirelessly from Iffi Iftikhar's Blackberry"

Doing alright

2010-05-10T15:47:00.000-07:00

This is somewhat insane. I come home everyday from work and all I really feel like doing is watch some TV after I'm done watering my plants and cleaning my front and backyard. Now... Most people would say, you need to get a girl... Dude.. U should check out my bride to be... U won't be saying the same. I'll leave it at that.

Beside everything else. Gardening is a pretty decent out door activity guys.. I'm out in the sun and I get to make things look good. And the rose bushes, that I've been working on, are coming around nicely. I like it. So. For all u haters. U can suck on a door knob.
"Sent wirelessly from Iffi Iftikhar's Blackberry"

Choices

2010-05-09T18:59:00.001-07:00

I'm considering a change. I'm noticing that I'm updating my blog on a regular basis then I might as well change the way it looks. It has had the same face and feel as it was about 3 years ago and I'm somewhat bored of it.

So... What do you think... Should it be something flashy or should it be something dark and mysterious... Yeah... Like I need any of that. Honestly.. If I could ever find a decent picture of mine, I would just put that in the background (left corner maybe) and get it over with but then again... I don't need more stockers... I'm happy with just 5...

So. Either I have to design a brand new background and create a new layout for this blog or maybe I need to.. Ehem ehem... "Borough" a background from someone else. Hmmm.. A 'not so easy' choice I have to make here.

*thinking*
.......................
..................
*thinking really really hard now*
...............
.............
*Thinking out loud now*
..........
.......

2 hours later: Darn it. If only I wasn't so picky about it. *crying on the inside*.
"Sent wirelessly from Iffi Iftikhar's Blackberry"

The unwanted pickle

2010-05-08T18:44:00.000-07:00

It seems to me that in somewhat of a pickle. I mean seriously. How hard is it to figure out which phone u wanna buy next and who should be the service provider. But it looks like I'm gonna have to make a decision that could render my current blackberry pretty much useless.

On one hand I'm use to having the very first blackberry touch smart phone (which I'm quite fond of.. Seriously.. Can't put it down). And on the other hand I have blackberry bold 9700 that I can get from Rogers at $550 plus taxes. Now... Normally there isn't a 3rd hand but in my case... Well.. You know me... On the other, other hand, I have the new storm 2.

Here's where I'm having the need to mention the pickle. Storm or the first storm is what I possess and I have never had a reason to hate this phone, especially when there is absolutely nothing wrong with this device (except maybe the WiFi that's missing) and normally I would just keep using it except that this device is set up with Bell Mobility. Even thou it is unlocked now, I'm unable to use my blackberry to access the internet when I'm on Rogers network (which I'm planning to use considering Bell's coverage inside my house simply sucks. Among other places where I need it.) Now, normally that wouldn't be too much of a concern for someone who doesn't care for or feel the need for having data access on their device, but since I can't live without access to information on the web, and I don't intend on paying bell mobility $120 per month. I don't think it would work for me.

Since I'm stuck with this problem of "access denied", I have to buy a device that allows me to use the internet on the Rogers Network. That leaves me with blackberry bold 9700 from Rogers. Now. Here's a device that solves my WiFi problem. Its faster than my Storm. Its lighter. It runs on OS 5.0 and the OS gets updated regularly. Which is really good. The only thing it doesn't have is touch screen. Everything else is perfect about this phone. But the one thing that I really don't want is to NOT have a touchscreen phone. Which is probably the only reason why I still haven't bought this phone yet. And buying this phone means end of my Storm.

The other, other phone is Storm 2. Its the one phone that takes care of absolutely every single thing (if you're going to suggest IPHONE, I'm warning you... Back the hell off!!! I never cared of iphone and I'm not about to start now). The most unfortunate part is that this phone is yet again from Bell Mobility. Which means I end up back in the same boat as I am right now. A phone that I love with the wrong network and a higher monthly bill.

Bell mobility or Telus mobility provides me with CDMA network that simply doesn't cut it for me. I'm serious guys... I don't live in a rural area, I live in Toronto, ON. And this a hugely populated area with millions of people using all sort of providers. Considering the fact that CDMA is a very secure network and might be a reliable network if you're in an area where no one else has had the time to install their GSM tower, with Bell Mobility's CDMA network I've had more dropped calls in an hour than I have had with GSM and EDGE and HSPA and 2G and 3G combined in one year. Now... What does that tell you? Seriously... Need a hint?

Coming back to the original issue. Storm vs 9700 vs Storm 2. Bell vs Rogers. Paying $120 vs $50. Now some of you will say 'save the freakin' money. Some will say buy Storm 2 and use Bell's GSM network. And then some of you will say F*** OFF cuz I bashed the IPHONE. (honestly the phone's just for people who have nothing better to do then playing games and checking out the apple app store for over priced apps that entertain you for a while and then u move on to the next one. Buy a freakin' PSP already or get a better game console)

I haven't made a decision as of yet. So I don't know what I'll be getting. Switching providers is not easy when u have to pay $400+ in cancellation fees. And paying 60 to 70 dollars more every single month. Hmmm... Some how that doesn't sit well with me. Anyway. I'll let u know.

"Sent wirelessly from Iffi Iftikhar's Blackberry"

Here comes the rant.

2010-05-07T19:06:00.001-07:00

This is one of those boring rants and there isn't much that I wanna yap about into this post. Its been almost 3 days since I've been sleeping for mog more than 4 hours before heading out to work. Now, normally I would complain a lot about thid but then again I have been having a bit of good run at work regarding my sales. Well... Its better than the results I had last months.

With the shift I had and the type of calls I was getting from 4 to midnight, I couldn't even make it to 60% to target. Which, considering how many people they have let go in the last 2 months, wasn't much of a motivator. And now that they have changed commission structure and some of the restrictions they have set up to make sure no one's making any money on their sales, I'm gonna have to try a lot harder.

On a different note, I've started taking care of the plants in my front yard. I haven't done anything remarkable with them as of yet. Only thing I have started doing is watering them. I'm trying to revive some of the dying rose bushes, along with some of the other plants. I'm hoping that once I've learned how to take care of the roses, I'll be introducing some more rose bushes in my front yard. I do have full intention of working on my backyard I just need to start with something small.

If I could ever build enough courage to show you guys the pictures of my backyard, you'll be screaming at me for such neglect. But hey... That's not actually my creation. It looks a lot better compared to what it was like when I got it. Ahh Jesus... What a mess that was. I still have to kill off all the weeds. I still need to fix the ground (most likely introduce some dirt and fresh soil there). Clean up the entire backyard and mow the grass and throw out the crap that I don't even need even for any scrap project.

I'm still finding it hard to even start this little project of mine. I'm going to call it 'The Backyard Project' yeah I know, that's inventive.

I want to start this as soon as a possible but I can only do this a little bit at a time. And that's not because I know almost nothing about gardening and landscapiny. Even if I was a professional, thing isn't gonna be fixed in one or two days. This will probably take me over 2 weeks of constant work just to clean up and make a layout of what its going to look like. Once it's cleared of all that isn't suppose to be there, I'll start up the actual gardening. I wonder when that will happen.
"Sent wirelessly from Iffi Iftikhar's Blackberry"

A non-thrilling, thrilling moment

2010-05-02T14:51:00.001-07:00

Hmmm. Based on what I've understood in my meeting with my manager, I might be getting a bigger bonus on my paychecks. Why am I not excited?
"Sent wirelessly from Iffi Iftikhar's Blackberry"

Here comes another one

2010-05-01T03:14:00.001-07:00

I'm one of those guys that you call 'night owls'. I've been like this for the last 10 years. I don't even remember the last time I was in the habit of waking up early. No matter what I've tried in the past. I always end up awake at night time and sleepy during the day. Funny thing is that I've known a lot of people like that in my life. Now, normally, its not that much of a biggie. But in 2 days this will become a problem for me.

In 2 days time I'm starting my new shift at Rogers. I start my shift at 8:30AM lasting till 4:30PM. Now I'm a bit concerned. How on earth I'm going to manage that. I had a hard time with a 11:30AM shift. Problem was waking up early enough to be at work and then actually staying awake during work hours. Now this shift is starting a lot earlier than what I'm use to.

I guess the only way to do this properly is to stay up all night for the first shift and then not hitting te bed till the time is right. Which would be around 9PM. My only concern right now is that I talk to Benish after midnight. Which I won't be able to do anymore. Normally time adjustment isn't a big deal when u wanna talk to someone over the phone but the 11 hour time difference truly sucks for me cuz she's in Pakistan.

My thumbs are getting tired of typing so I'm gonna call it a night. Since its easier for me to use my blackberry for blogging, twittering and emailing, I think I'll be doing this on regular basis. I hope I haven't been out of touch for too freakin' long. And Yes! I've missed u guys too.
"Sent wirelessly from Iffi Iftikhar's Blackberry"

Canadian long distance plans. What a mouse trap.

2010-05-01T02:06:00.001-07:00

I'm really getting frustrated with this whole long distance calling and paying an arm and a leg for it. Every single time I call my fiancé I have to go through bad connections, scratchy sounds, and multiple disconnects. I mean in all seriousness, why can't the Canadian phone companies come up with better long distance plans that people like me can use.

Don't get me wrong. Every freakin' company got some kind of plan but if you value your house and your car and you don't want them to be taken away from you, you better stay away from them. The rates are so freakin' that you are left with no other choice but to use calling card companies. Like the one I'm using. Raza.com, whose service is terrible but the rates are affordable.

There are so many people here who call Pakistan but none of them ever uses an L.D. Plans from these major companies because they know what they will end up paying. So they are left with quantity of minutes versus quality of talk time. No one prefers using calling cards but what can you really but accept the monopoly of these telecommunications giants who will not get off their high horses to help out those who work for a living.

I work for one the biggest telecommunication company here in Canada. And being one the employees here I get discounted rates for the services. On my end, I'm suppose to promote my company and be a representation and example for the community. But here's the rub. Even after the discounts and privileges, l still can't afford the prices. Now what does that tell you about these international long distance plans that these Canadian carriers are offering.

My fiancé tell me she pays 2 rupees for every 1 minute of talk time. That's 60 minutes for 120 rupees. Do you know much that is for 1 hour in Canadian dollars? Less than 1.25 dollars. And she gets that without having any special L.D. Plan on her cell phone. In 1.25 dollars I'll get less than 5 minutes. And that's on the best available plan with any Canadian telecommunications company. How fucked up is that?

I'm really getting tired of spending crazy amounts of money while companies like bell and Rogers and Telus are creating billions of dollars worth of revenue off of people like me and you who just wants to talk to their loved ones. Think. How preposterous is that?

Needless to say that me ranting about this is not going to bring even a shred of change to those who are profiting from our needs. And it simply doesn't make me feel any better that I'm not the only one stuck in the same mouse trap.
"Sent wirelessly from Iffi Iftikhar's Blackberry"

Nothing but the truth.

2010-04-30T22:35:00.001-07:00

A customer called about his mobile phone price plan.

Customer: Why am I paying 90+change for my mobile phones. I have a $65 family plan on 2 phones and a value plan for $12 on .kne and then $3 for SMS on my wife's phone. You people think you can rob us customers blind and no one's the wiser. Naaa! I'm on to you ass holes.

ME: so... 65+12+3=$80, that's how much you pay. Right? And I'm guessing you pay the taxes on that too. Right?

Customers: yeah. What's your point?

Me: I'm just thinking here. $80+tax would be how much again???... Where's my calculator. Click click click click click. Hmm.. It's 90+change.

Customer: Oh.

Me: Thanks for calling Rogers. Have a great evening.

"Sent wirelessly from Iffi Iftikhar's Blackberry"

Twitter/Facebook What the ....

2010-04-30T22:03:00.000-07:00

I don't remember the last time I had written something down here. Perhaps i can look it up but then again, who cares about that. I just wanna get some things out of my head so I can come back and say, "What the hell was I thinking."

It has been an interesting month for me. lots of things have changed. out of all that I should be talking about, I'm only gonna touch one thing. "Twitter", I didn't think it would be this addictive. I seriously doubt I've ever thought about using this before this month started out. Yes I know. Just like every other idiot I signed up for it last year and then didn't bother to update it at all (Most people did the exact same thing). But then came out, Twitter for Blackberry. Now.. I'm not a fan of the newest gadget in town, Oh wait.. I am. But that's not the point. Wait. Let me start again... RIM has been talking about Twitter for Blackberry for months and then it finally came out. so.. like everyone else, I downloaded the app on my BB and started playing around with it. Which made me realize, UberTwitter was a better app. And I've had it on my Storm for about 11 months but never used it. Now isn't that funny? I mean seriously. Who would have thought that using one Application that I've been waiting for will lead me back to the one that I didn't like the first time around. Hmmm... I don't know about you but I think that's pretty interesting.

Now. Using that same philosophy, if I try and go back to things or people that I left out of my life because I found something or someone better. Now that would be a total disaster. I'm talking about Nuclear Meltdown level catastrophe here. I don't wanna do that and I sure hope you're not getting that idea out of all of this. I mean think about it. There WERE and possibly ARE reasons for what you did back then so don't second guess you're self here. I'm just talking about a BB App. nothing more.

Anyway, point is. I'm loving this twitter thing... yeah I might be about 2 years late to get to the table but hey, I'm having fun with it.

Now the next thing that I'm thinking about is the NEW Facebook with all sorts of games and farmville and fishville and Mafia Wars. I mean seriously... I thought the thing was suppose to be a 'common ground' for family and friend to come together and share things online and stay in touch when it's harder to do so face to face. When the hell did it become a cheap replacement for PlayStation 3? Now don't get me wrong. I love my cows and fishes on Farmville and Fishville. But still. I find myself going to FB for only that purpose now. I don't talk to friends anymore, I don't reach out to the family any more. I mean I'm not doing anything even remotely close to what I was use to do when I first joined this site. So... should I just deactivate my account and forget the damn thing ever existed? NO! I'm not gonna do that. Why would I, I don't want my crops to die out on me... I'm just asking... Am I stuck with the NEW FB for good. or is it coming back? So far... no clues.. only guesses... and these guesses don't favor the damn thing..

2009-07-24T18:29:00.001-07:00

Ah man. So much stuff happening. Business is growing and patience is growing too... Its growing thin. Why is it that those who have done something in life forget the fact that when they started out, they had the worst time to get to the point where it got easier. Just wondering.
"Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry."

Engaged, how weird is that?

2009-07-18T18:40:00.001-07:00

Its been over two months that I've been engaged to the most amazing person i've ever known in my life. Kinda weird feeling to be honest. I didn't see my self as one of those guys who would ever propose to someone but I guess I am. I didn't even consider the possibility.... Yet.. Here I am.

I've known her for twelve years and I never ever considered that someday I will find myself wondering whether I can be without her. I never thought I would ever decide to spend the rest of my life with her. To me, she was always a stranger from the past that I met once, maybe twice. But now she has come out of my past to be my future. To become a major part of who I am.

Its funny how life turns around and pushes u into a completely unexpected direction. And all u can really do is just open your eyes and watch your own life change into a completely different organism all together. There were moments in my life that made me believe that I wasn't meant for love. I thought I wouldn't be one of those who find comfort being in someone's thoughts and dreams and reality. But here I am. Surrendering to the fact that I need her. I want her. I see my self becoming part of someone's life as she becomes part of mine. How weird is that? Funny thing... I like it.

I still have some questions in my mind. What will happen when she finds the locked but not forgotten door in my heart. The one that has nothing but dark and painful memories. The one that still bleeds through its cracks the sorrow that I have carried in me for decades. She knows about this door. She felt it. She knows that there is something behind it that should be left alone. I know someday she will ask me to open it. And when the flood of my suppressed past washes over my soul and leaves me completely naked. What will she say? I'm scared I guess.. For the first time in my life I'm scared of what someone will think, wiill feel, will see. She means so much to me. And I know that without her getting a glimpse into my past, she will never truly understand me. Knowing her, she would steal the key to this door with a smile. But will that smile be there when she finally unlocks and opens that door? I usually don't wish for things. But today, out of all the wishes in the world, I wish I could see the future.. How weird is that? How truly weird....

Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.

My very first email

2009-04-24T00:41:00.000-07:00

I was playin around with my phone and suddenly I decided to upgrade the applications. And now I'm just checking these new features that I've just noticed in this latest upgrade. Blackberry has certainly improved a lot for the storm users. I'm really happy with the upgrades. And I'm hoping this is gonna make things much easier for me so that I can easily work my blackberry storm to its full potential.

Most impressively, this blackberry has become an important asset of mine. Its my personal organizer. Its my task manager. It is my to-do-list keeper and it is my game console and of course it is my communication device . I didn't realize how good this tiny little machine is going to be for me when I bought it. And now, all I know is that it has certainly become an intricate part of my life and I seriously doubt myself living without it any time soon. This email was long overdue as far as I'm concerned because I've had this cell phone for over 4 months now and I think it truly deserves its praise.

Now whether or not you like the idea of using a blackberry to stay on top of your world, its your thinking. I simply love my blackberry storm. No doubts about it.

Thanks for reading the very first real blog entry of mine from my Storm.

Iffi.
Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.
Envoyé sans fil par mon terminal mobile BlackBerry sur le réseau de Bell.

VID 00012-20090406-0159.3GP

2009-04-05T23:03:00.001-07:00

Again. Checking something
Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.
Envoyé sans fil par mon terminal mobile BlackBerry sur le réseau de Bell.

The-monitor.jpg

2009-04-05T22:06:00.001-07:00

This is a snap of the monitor I bought 2 months ago. The best deal I ever got on an electronic device. I paid $190 for a 23 inch wide screen monitor. Regular price is like 300+. Anyway. Couldn't be happier.
...........
Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.
Envoyé sans fil par mon terminal mobile BlackBerry sur le réseau de Bell.

This is a simple test.

2009-04-05T21:49:00.001-07:00

I'm testing my cell to see if it allows me to post from my blackberry. It seems like a great idea, so let's see what happens.
Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.
Envoyé sans fil par mon terminal mobile BlackBerry sur le réseau de Bell.

Price of Freedom, Undefined.

2008-11-18T14:22:00.000-08:00

Every man and every woman is worthy of freedom, but it comes with a price tag. We knew that ever since we understood that we exist. But should we completely understand this simplest of truth or should we understand the true price of freedom... now that's a question worthy of an answer from God himself...

Since the beginning of existence, there have been many civilizations that are now long lost to the passage of time. Every time frame has created a world of its own and then destroyed it. In many of these worlds that have come to a fall, there once were heroes and villains that guided or shaped the things to come. From them some of us learned a thing or two. Mostly what to believe, what to regret, and what to understand.. so that someday we may be the creators of the next world to come.

Freedom comes for the price yet undefined by man. In man's absolute bliss he would not dare look upon the world and wonder why it is the way it is. Nor will he ever consider to challenge the possibility of another form of existence. From his prospective, there simply is no reason to do so. Whether or not his existence provides a better life for himself or a better world for other, he is happy under his glued and decorated skin. He will look up at the sky and will not wonder why the clouds have formed, so dark and so loud. He will stand there as the air grows thicker by the minute and turns to a ice cold storm of hatred, demanding for the sacrifices drenched in blood. He will stand there without complain and let the razor sharp wind tear his skin apart. He will refuse the idea that it's not him that should bow down and surrender to this beast that challenges his entire being, to run away or to shield himself. He believes that it is the the winds that must change its direction and leave his perfect paradise as is. And then.. finally as he falls on his knees, defeated without even putting up a fight, he will become the witness of the truest form of freedom. Freedom from greed, freedom from lust, freedom from hunger and freedom from his own bliss. He is God's most perfect creation. He is Man.

Out of the ruins, Man stood up again. This man is the great inventor, he invented the means to communicate on a global level, to teach each other what man's history has done for man. He created artificial eyes focused at the heavens to occupy the mind with thoughts that someday we might find some answers not within us but from out there. He created a series of giant towers that rivaled the mountains and then he stood on top of towers to see for himself how small the world is. And then Man invented the greatest and most dangerous toy to play with. Powerful enough to destroy the entire world, and he tagged it "Only to be used if the world is not the way I like it". But not before he created machines that took role of the story tellers and entertainers. Giving us an imaginary view of the world around us as it has been created over the years. Just so that we wouldn't look away and realize what true reality looks like. Every day man sees something new on the television about the history of mankind and every day man get a glimpse of things that are yet to come. Everyday man learns of all those millions who died just to provide another means for man's mental evolution. And every day man see the possibility of billions who could die simply because he refuses to care. I wonder if those heroes of our pasts would consider us worthy of their work and their teachings. I wonder if the villains of our history will cry in sorrow when they see how far man has outgrown their own apatite for destruction of human souls.

In the last decade alone man has created more needs than resources for humanity to sustain it's own existence. You don't need to read the newspaper to tell if that's true or not. Just looking around should do it. Man created awareness for his naked savage brother who lived in bliss without the need of clothes to cover his body. Man showed his savage brother that it's a necessity to be clothed, to live with accessories that he considers essentials. Man gave his fellow man a sugar-coated freedom from savagery and absolute bliss for an undefined price. Slowly but surely, man created more needs and, on every single step of the way, provided his innocent fellow man an indisputably intense apatite to crave for more. And then he took away the means for him to obtain any of it. What a display of evolved intelligence. Giving birth to a new breed of heroes and villains. But all together different animals. Far more intelligent, far more greedy, far more cunning, far more resourceful, and far more hungry. All in all, a new Man is walking upon this earth, consuming what was left of the ruins of our past and what is meant for the future man.

As much as he should, he does not rattle my faith in whatever is left of this so-called humanity. I, an observer, still believe that there is some hope for this man. But when the time comes and the man finally dies, leaves behind his own legacy for the future observers to learn from, whomever will take his place is the man that troubles my thoughts. He is the man they will call 'the collector'. Because he is the man that will demand and collect the true price of freedom. Death.

Annie Lennox - Dark Road

2008-11-16T19:56:00.000-08:00

Just listen to the words... it might not make sense the first time around... but it certainly makes a lot more sense when you understand the whole thing.

Working at Bell

2008-11-15T19:49:00.000-08:00

new beginnings

2008-11-11T11:39:00.000-08:00

Everything begins from a point and ends at a point.. now that could be a life, a race, a career, or a world... Recently I've come across a point in my life where I have been before. I'm not saying I never thought I'd be here again and yet I am... So what would be my next step, i ask myself. My answer, just like the last time, I don't know.

Things have changed quite a bit since the beginning of this year... funny thing is, I wasn't setting up a resolution at that time to do any of it. I'm not one of those who think that the beginning of a year means setting up priority or making promises to oneself to achieve something that has been out of our grasps... that's why I never make new year's resolutions when the clock strikes 12... At least not anymore... I have come to realize that I can decide when I want to make a change and what kind of change it's going to be... there is no time restriction on it... there shouldn't be... unless it's out of one's control.. Anyway... like I was saying... things have changed quite a bit.

Right now I own a few things that I didn't think I was going to buy... I'm working at a place where I never thought I was going to work. I'm doing a few thing that I never thought I was going to do. And... I achieved a few goals that I didn't think I needed to achieve. But now, I'm planning for things to come. The humor in this story is that all of this started without a reason and a plan... Now I know that there are quite a few people who would be reading this and thinking to themselves, what the hell is he talking about... but hey, by now you should know... I don't really care if you understand any of this. I'm writing this just for the heck of it... just to some day turn back and reflect on a few things.

Anyway... like I was saying.. I'm planning a few things... I've given myself a few targets to hit. Things that are suppose to be done. Things that must be done. And like always, I've given myself a time frame. Things are needed to be done by the end of that time frame or I would consider it a lost cause. Even thou it would translate to some degree of success, it wouldn't be worth its measure. Now this might sound a bit cruel but I do believe goals are meant to be achieved with complete devotion to the cause... there is no half way there or almost there... We are either there at the finish line or We are not... If you understand what I'm saying then live by that philosophy and you'll see success in anything you're working on... as long as you've given yourself the right time frame to achieve that goal.. I maybe passionate about my goals and yet I might take pride in achieving them but I'm also realistic and therefore optimistic. Without hope there is no reason to pursue anything and without reason there is no cause to have an effect.

That's really all I have to say for now... I'll update this blog in the future. But for now.. this should do.

my tendencies...

2008-03-30T17:30:00.001-07:00

It has been over a year since I wrote down anything on my blog. Some might say that isn't unusual of me. I have a tendency to just disappear and reappear now and then. I do that all the time. Some theorize that I'm not sure of what I want and some think that I'm intentionally avoiding the world. Is that even possible in this time and state of global experimentations? Oh well what can I say.. some of them are almost right about me.

I've been working on a few things in my life. trying my best to improve some parts of my life and trying to exceed my own limitations. So far, everything is working out fine (to some degree). But nothing to complain about. Things that I'm working on require time. And time can be so much. But like I said, it's all working out.

This year has certainly been different for me. I didn't make any resolutions yet many of things that I wanted to work on, I ended up working on them. I don't really know where all these roads going to lead my curious mind but one thing is for sure.. it will be something different for a change. Most things I do, I can predict the outcomes.. It feels good to be on a path that doesn't really have a predictable destination. But that's what makes it so interesting... hey... like I said.. It all works out in the end.

Anyone who's missing me for a while because I haven't been around.. my apologies.. I guess I did something unpredictable all over again.. Now why doesn't that feel like a reminder to me..

The Snow Storm

2007-03-15T22:05:00.000-07:00

This is a picture from the day after the snow storm.. It doesn't look like much in this picture but that day was something to remember..

On the day when the gods of snow were angry, it took almost 4 hours for me to get to my classes. While I watched the thick snow flakes hitting the side windows of the bus, I witnessed atleast a dozen cars slipping on the white roads. People waiting for the busses were now trying to get hold of the cabs which were barely available. The busses that dared to enter the streets of frozen hell were hardly in motion. After slipping from the roads, some were stuck on the sidewalks with a few people still sitting inside. Drivers, who were first confident enough to endure this unusual day, were now configuring their radios, trying to get help. Almost everyone was suffering the torture of this day, yet for some odd reasons I was calm and yet excited. The idea that I'm late for an exam was somewhat disturbing but being able to witness such a day was somewhat of a thrill to me. "The teacher is gonna cut me some slack. It's not my fault that the weather is exceptionally bad today. I can't believe the snow on these roads looks so beautiful", I thought.

After a long and unusually exciting ride on the bus, I got off infront of the institute. My first step landed on a pile of snow almost half a foot in height. "Great, now I gotta clean this up first", I mummered. While I struggled through the snow toward the enterence, I saw a security guard walking toward me. Dressed accordingly, he wore a bright orange sleeveless jacket on top of the thick black overcoat which was clearly visible through the snow filled air. He came close and stopped about four feet from me, pulled his thick scarf down and said, "It's closed. The institute got closed down about 3 hours ago. Any exams that were due today will be taken care of after the march's reading week." He looked around, "I'm sorry you had to take such a pain-in-the-ass trip, I told these guys to put up a sign at the Town Centre to notify any students who are trying to get here.. But these guys aren't paying attention. I guess that's what happens when it's your first day on the job." Before I could display any disapointment and complain about another 4 hour trip that I will have to take in order to get back home, I realized that this man can't do much except listen to the ramblings and will eventually say the same thing all over again with the addition of the word "sorry" in order to simpathize . I was there by my choice and now I had to go back. I turned around to see if I can still catch the same bus, back to Scraborough Town Centre, but lady luck was in a naughty mood today. It was already gone. Yet another disapointment but at the same time I still couldn't resist looking around to admire the beauty of the day. Nature can be so beautiful and lethal at the same time.

Another hour and a half passed and there was still no sign of a bus coming this way. Even if there was a bus coming around the corner, there wasn't much of a chance I could spot it through the heavy snow fall. All I could do was stand where I was and keep myself warm till the bus arives. As much as I was admiring this natural exception, I was now fearing it as well as respecting it. I did not expect to just stand in one place for a few hours and wait while the snow keeps covering the roads and temprature keeps driving chills through my spine. After another 10 minutes, I finally heard the roar of the bus engine. "Phew... About time!", I yelled with joy. The bus driver stopped the bus and looked at me. "You must be havin' one heck of a day." said the blonde-ponytailed man with a smurk on his face. "yeah yeah.. here's the ticket.. ". Ignoring the wise crack, I put the ticket in the recepticle and walked toward the back of the bus. Usually I would have called myself 'dumb' for leaving my apartment in the first place, but after looking at some other curious faces in the bus, asking me if the place was still open, I thought to myself, "hmm... I'm not that dumb after all".

Ride back home was not the most exciting one, considering that I accomplished almost nothing for the entire day, but it was interesting. Humans can survive no matter what the conditions are and no matter what the odds are. For some unmeasureable amount of luck, Humanity has survived through everything thing nature has thrown toward it. Yet, insted of learning from it and respecting it, we keep poluting it and distroying it. This was perhaps one of the tiniest sample of nature's capability. I wonder sometimes, are we willing to find out what happens when the knob is turned to Maximum?

I got home after another 3 and a half hours of bus rides, switching from one to the other and waiting on different bus stops. I watched the snow piling up on the side walks as the snow-trucks kept cleaning up the main roads. And then finally I was home. I got inside my apartment and started to clean up the snow off my boots while taking off the semi wet clothes that I was wearing. Nothing much to do, I decided to stay inside and look over the books again for the exam that was now due after a week and a half. While I flipped through the pages, my cellphone rang. 20 minutes later, I was standing outside, waiting for a friend of mine to pick me up. When I got home, I had no plans of going out again and face the brutality of the weather. But I guess, no matter how many times humans deal with nature's fury, we always have to test our own limits. When I got in the bus,. I was happy to know that I'm not the only one who left his house to be there. Now I discovered another truth about my self... Just like every one else, I am a little dumb.

Chat me a shiver...

2007-01-14T10:39:00.000-08:00

iffi says:
I don't know what's mine and what's not.. every thing I believed to be mine was taken away from me as if it was never meant to be close to me.. and everything that has ever been given to me or came my way has never felt like it's mine....
iffi says:
where do I belong I don't know.. where do I stand... I don't know.. I don't even know how I still have the strength to be on my feet yet I'm standing.. surviving.. living and swimming the ocean of rocks and blades... how long will I last.. that is the rub for all.. they don't even know that there's anything wrong... too blind I guess... glamour of the fake smiles and pretentions...
iffi says:
the morals that combat with the existence of this world barely apply to me anymore.. I simply fail to see the point in being polite or nice or reasonable with the world that surrounds me. There isn't a fact that could contradict the thoughts I have carved inside my head... there isn't a person who reasons with me and convince me.. I tend to give them the satisfaction that there point has been
iffi says:
understood.. but they fail to understand that it is also dismissed for I am the one they call Mr. Know it All. They can think that I'm too full of my self.. but that is what they think.. they missed the whole point....
The end. says:
yeah
The end. says:
mr know it all sux
The end. says:
cuz wen u hafta ask smthng, there's nobody to answer it for you
iffi says:
there isn't anything that I want to ask anyone anymore... for the simplest of reasons.. no one has any answers...
iffi says:
we all carry questions with us that weigh us down and break our backs.. we carry that baggage with us thinking that the world will someday give us one or a few answers... but when that notion fails we start to believe in the Spiritual Entity that we call God... and then we claim that He is the one with the answers so we might continue living the way we are and carry the same baggage with us till
iffi says:
the end of times... for there is no answer for us in the life... maybe in the afterlife... but not the physical one..

Ramblings of the new year

2007-01-08T11:32:00.000-08:00

Another year has begun.. What's so new about it? nothing... nothing at all... I've noticed a few things here and there... seen a few faces that have changed... heard from people that once stopped talking and now I'm thinking.. what the hell? what is this new year for?

I'm standing at a crossroad where different paths lead me to different destinations but what is the destination that I must choose? I don't know... I regretfully don't know...

She's back in my life once again.. where do we stand.. I don't know... do I want to know? I don't know... The only thing I know for certain is that I'm confused and lost.. there was a time when being lost didn't make any difference in my life... it was a normal thing... but now I don't see the point of being in this position.

Riddle me this... riddle me that... riddle me what ever u can... I don't have any answers for you.. I don't want to answer any more questions.. I don't want to dwell on things that have made others wonder and I don't want to be Mr. Know It All.. I rather be just normal and fade away with time then to be a freakin' geneous and not be able to figure out whats going on...

Let it be they say.. it's life they say... wow... what a stupid answer to any question.

Theory of Relativity

2006-12-02T23:37:00.000-08:00

Put your hands on a hot stove and a second will seem like an hour. Put your hands on a hot woman and an hour will seem like a second..

Words may not be enough

2006-11-17T10:11:00.000-08:00

So many people.. So many questions.. And so little time to give a justifiable answer. As you can tell, I've been awfully busy with my life.. I haven't had much time to write anything nor have I had anytime to be in contact in most of my online friends. But something brought me back here. A tragedy, A loss, A fire that hurts not one but many.

Things are strange when you're in a world that doesn't stop for any one and will not stop because it must not. My education and social life are taking turns in keeping my occupied and the more I try to keep it simple, the more I make it complicated. But I'm glad that I am busy.. It leaves me less time to think about all the things that would usually bother me or at least disturb me in some way.. But life took another turn. And I'm back writing about a painful occasion.

I just heard a news that has really disturbed me.. a very close friend just lost her father. And I'm left with questions. Why did she have to face this? Why is it that she must face it alone? Why is it so important for God to make things really devastating for people who do not deserve that kind of punishment?

There are many more questions that are popping up in my head but the more I think about it, the more it saddens me.. I feel sad for what transformation she is going to go through.. I feel sad because this is one point in her life that will change her directions and her entire way of thinking.. I've seen a similar transformation before and I didn't like the what I saw in another friend of mine.. The innocence was gone.. The jolly friend that was always there is barely there anymore.. The friend who would have done anything to be a friend is someone completely different, someone else. Call it selfishness or call it an unusual way of thinking but this is how I felt after his father passed away.. Life moves and and so did he and so did I.. it was another transformation.. Maybe it is for good.. I'm not close to him anymore so I don't exactly know this NEW person. But I'm sure this is what was meant to happen.. This is what was intended from this unusual phase of his life.

I wish that God gives my friend the courage and the strength to deal with her loss. I wish that God will somehow make it easier for her to be part of this world without the shadow of her father. I really wish a lot of happiness for her.. Even thou, I know it's not that easy for anyone.

I made peace with myself when I faced something that represents tragedy in my life. Maybe I cannot compare my pain and my suffering with her's or my other friends.. But I do understand the meaning of loss and I do understand how much it takes to move on.

My best wishes and deepest amount of regret may not be enough, Kiran. But I know God has a way and a reason for all the things that are meant for all of us to face. May God be with you in this tragic and tough time. Amen.

another game..

2006-09-02T17:16:00.000-07:00

It's been almost a month since I wrote anything and yet again I'm back.. I took some time off from blogging and every other internet activity to do some of the things that needed my attention. Whether or not if it was all done is another issue... I can't really go back and change some of the things that have happened during this break and it's not like there were any disasters of any kind... However, I'm done with them and I have some other things to look forward to.

As of the 5th, I have my studies begining all over again. A new place.. new people... new reasons... and the same goal.. to accomplish what I must.. I'm trying to make something of this life because I must.. I don't see myself trapped in the life I have for now.. not for long anyway.. simply because I don't consider being a slave to conditions and controllers a life...

I don't really know why but every single time I talk to people, for some reason, I get these messages and predictions that I'm destined to do something great. I don't really know if that means something good or bad... it can be good if it's meant to change something in this world for the better.. and it's bad in the sense that I have no control over this life... somehow I don't like the idea of no control over anything...

I don't know what is going to happen when I step into another game that shapes my path... but I know that I must have the energy to do better than everyone else.. and I will.. My competitive nature is starting to call me out again.. Yet again I have this strange urge to do better than every one else.. To work harder than everyone else.. and to accomplish what I must.. a better life and a better future.. What I have right now is not what it apears to be.. There are many who consider this a good life but I'm the one who's living it.. I'm the one who knows the reality of this existence..

I don't exactly know when I will write again and what will I write.. all I know is that I'm stepping into another game... Let's see what I do...

The Value...

2006-07-13T22:15:00.000-07:00

I haven't had much to talk about over these few days that have come to pass; however, this does not mean that there hasn't been any movement in life..

Ever since the beginning of this year, I've been trying to pull my life's direction toward the path that I wanted to follow.. With the courage that God deserves credit for, I'm now watching this life turn into something better [as it may seem]... However, the struggle is never only about changing life's direction.. it is about managing it and keeping it in the same path. I am no master of mind control but I do not mind the control over my life as long it is my own. It is what makes me different then a bag of flesh and bones that we may call 'cattle'.

Some might understand the scribbles and some might just consider it a waste of time. The value, however, is not of the discovery of what is unknown to everyone... it is in discovering what truely matters... to you.

I'm still the same

2006-06-25T11:28:00.000-07:00

things change..
people change..
scenaries change..
scenarios change...

hopes change...
hearts change...
feelings change..
wounds change..

I'm still the same...

life changed...
time changed...
houses changed..
roads changed..

they changed...
we changed...
he changed...
she changed...

I'm still the same...

words change
looks change
love change
passions change

*sigh* so much changed around me.

I'm still the same..
I'm still the stone with fading emotions..
I'm still the man with rough edges...
I'm still the dreamer who wanted something better..
I'm still the same.. just like you were use to be..

The Age of Wisdom

2006-05-25T19:09:00.000-07:00

[Originally written May 14, 2006]

All my life, I've come across people who claim that their “sins” can be forgiven if they truly repent and ask God for “forgiveness”. What truly humors me is the fact that, so far, almost every one of these "believers" is reaching the end of their lives and had a youth that is filled with unmentioned atrocities toward the preaching of their own religions.
I've seen many people that preach and talk about God and His divine plan, His kindness and His forgiveness, His promises of Heaven and Eternal Life, and His punishment and Hell; however, who gives these characters the qualifications, to "spread the word", is still a mystery. How does one qualify to become an “Enforcer of God’s Commandments”? How does one become an enforcer, who stops and restricts others from doing things that once were part of his own life, or a messenger that forbids everyone from pursuing all the things that he or she pursued through out his or her life? These are the same things that they once possessed, but now they want others to give them up in the name of God.
Just because someone can memories a few lines from different scriptures, it does not mean that they qualify to lead anyone. Unfortunately, I do not see any human being on this planet that can carry a certificate or a degree that says, “This individual is ‘forgiven’ from all his sins and is qualified to lead others toward the path of righteousness”.
I can accept and understand that with age comes wisdom and I believe that God has planted the "seed of wisdom" within all of us which is meant to grow. I understand that it takes a bit of time for that seed to grow into a fruitful tree and guide us toward the "eternal life of truth and happiness" and to remove the blinds from the eyes of humanity so that we can see the truth as clearly as humanly possible. However, I fail to understand why individuals, who claim to have reached the "age of wisdom", cannot comprehend the notion that everyone needs a great amount of time, in order to have a better understanding of God's given life and what it has to offer.
Among many others, one of the most valuable gifts that God gave humanity is the ability to make a choice when it comes to “right” and “wrong”. With out this ability and the sense to differentiate, there will not be much difference between angels and human beings or even animals and humans. Quite frankly, there will not be a purpose for humanity to be considered the ultimate creation without this ability. If this choice is so important and valuable that without it humanity is incomplete then why do these “old timers”, who cannot stop from preaching the younger generations, fail to understand and accept that?
In the beginning, human beings are dependent on the “conditioning” from a “source of information” that is designed to guide them. This source of information programs and transforms the “shell of flesh and blood” into an "individual" of certain believes and faith, leading this individual toward an unknown future with restrictions and a set of instructions. When someone is raised to be a Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Sikh, or a Buddhist, it becomes his or her set of instructions or in other words “religion”. However, this programming and this conditioning are only effective if that individual is bound to them and only to them; he or she will remain true to these “teachings” if he or she is never introduced to any other source of information that can influence his or her mind. But once that individual is unleashed into this world that offers so much more than what he or she was raised to believe, he or she will use the “conditioned wisdom” to qualify and disqualify these sources and its information. As soon as that individual finds something that makes more sense to him or her, he or she will use his or her “ability to choose”.
Is it wrong to use your own judgment to make a choice when it comes to practicing a religion? Is it really that bad that God-given “wisdom” is being used to redirect the process for selecting a method of His worship? There are many questions that are attracted toward this natural process of human being’s psychological and spiritual development; however, it’s unwise to even consider that this process of human development can be restricted to an absolute path which is not suppose to change or will not be allowed to change. This process is what leads the individual to test different concepts and analogies before finally committing to one of them, if not many. This is the same process of human development which has been guiding humanity toward its present advancements in technology and the quality of human life. If God did not intend human beings to develop in this manner, than He would have ended life on this planet a long time ago.
To some extremists, many individuals, that are diverting from “the path”, have committed extreme atrocities and "sins" that are punishable by “religious laws”. What intrigues me is the reasoning and techniques they use to justify their anger and their actions. If everyone follows the same old theory that “All is well that is done in the name of God” then anyone can commit any crimes and atrocity against humanity without punishment. All they have to do is say, “God told me to do this and I obeyed my Lord” and that should be enough for the man made authorities. Who is making more sense now? Someone who uses the name of God to dictate his or her own will? Or someone who was peacefully looking for an answer or a path that leads him or her toward the light? There is a reason why this concept does not make sense and there is a reason why “terrorism” cannot be justified by using the name of God. But no one needs to explain this concept. It’s the matter of having common sense to know that only God can make the decision about someone’s life, not the imperfect human.
Does it matter what source is being used to guide an individual toward God or the path of righteousness? If a child is raised to believe that there is no God then he will mature with that understanding and will not follow or understand any other concept. On the other hand, if a child is raised to believe that even thinking about harming someone is a sin in God’s view then that person will continue to prevent him or her self from doing so. However, these two scenarios are only possible if these two subjects are never introduced to anything other source of information and in today’s “global village”, it’s simply not possible to restrict someone from absolutely everything else. And today’s youth is up to date with everything that is happening in this world. Unfortunately for the “old timers”, preaching without practicing does not make a good and solid example for the young generation to follow. Technically, it’s not even their fault because they were once part of the same dominant conditioning and the process of selecting their paths; however, it’s easy to forget how long it takes for the seed of wisdom to grow into a tree and unfortunately, even with their trees of wisdom, they have not been able to grasp the simplest of logic that it takes time to understand the clues that leads toward the path of righteousness.

How long will it take for me to start looking for that path? Only God knows that answer. Most probably when I have more answers to solve or understand the puzzle that we all call life. But even then, if I have found the true path toward the eternal glory that awaits me, I wouldn't be caught preaching the ones that aren't ready for it. I wouldn't want someone to look at me and wonder the same thing I wonder when look at "them".

Master and the Slave

2006-05-25T19:07:00.000-07:00

[Originally written May 02, 2006]

Man has become a slave of his own creation. Today the technology is far beyond the comprehension of human beings who lived over two hundred years ago. Back then, the only means of communication was either a face-to-face conversation or a hand written letter. The invention of Morris Code came into existence and raised 'long distance communication' to a whole new level. After the Morris code, came telegraph, telephone, radio and then television-- the world became the 'Global Village'.In today's world, thanks to the advancements in communication technology and other modern sources of information, no one is out of reach and no is too far away from publicly available information. Inventions like cell phone and internet has made it possible for human beings to be connected and informed at all times. Communication has become convenient and is evolving every single day. However, this convenience has made the users of this technology dependent on it. Without a doubt, these inventions have become part of the social structure. Those who are constantly using this technology and this convenience are some what slaves to it. To them, just the idea of giving it all up or being temporarily disconnected from others, is unsettling. One this journey to advancement, man has created its own master.

What I learned today...

2006-05-25T19:02:00.000-07:00

[Originally written April 24, 2006]

The day turned out to be quite interesting and yet not as much as I would have hoped for. Today, Kasha, our old English Teacher Eileen, and I went out to eat an early dinner or should I consider it a late lunch. It was interesting seeing Eileen outside work considering that it wasn’t much different.

After attending my classes and dealing with the strange schedule, as it was for today only, I waited outside Eileen’s class and along came Kasha. Apparently, we were the only two students that showed up for this invitation, considering that in the end of the class there were 6 people left. We went outside for a while and waited, while conversation carried its weight and kept us occupied, half an hour later, we decided that it is best if we just start moving toward the meeting place and let the others catch up with us there. Needless so say, we were the only three people in the pub at 4:00PM.

It was quite interesting to see Kasha and Eileen outside the class rooms and the cafeterias and the parking lots of this Adult School, especially when I have never really had any other conversation with them without involving education or future career plans. I was assuming that if an unorthodox conversation did spark, we would probably be talking about general things in life and how we were coping with it. But this was not the case in this particular meeting. The topic, somehow, always remained on education, which would have been alright if I did not need a bit of a break from that particular subject of discussion.

We talked about many things and most of them, even thou intrigue me a lot, weren’t really giving me a reason to stay there and enjoy my meal. However, even in these uncalled-for topics of discussions and over-done Education related blabbering, I learned something new about both the individuals. I learned how much Kasha prefers to read things that deal with the reality of life and how she does not consider investing her time in humoring her self with Sci-fi novels. I learned how Eileen is dealing with her 15 years old daughter, who can easily be considered a prodigy if only she invested a bit of time and effort in her education, while managing to keep things going and not piling up one after the other, like in many cases.

What I learned is somewhat unrelated to the conversations that we had but it did give me an insight and a better understanding of how other people have managed to remain the way they are or to change them selves to improve the quality of their lives. It created a bit of clarity about what to expect from life when it throws its rough and cold arms around you and hold you in a tight grip which, in many cases, is hard to break. But, most of all, it affirmed my belief in the lesson that I’ve learned from so many other events in my own life—Never ever give up on life. It is valuable if you accept it and its worth a lot if you value it.

The Judgment Train

2006-05-25T19:01:00.000-07:00

[Originally written April 22, 2006]

Is there anyone out there who has perfect sense of judgment? Especially when it comes to people? Or anyone who thinks he or she knows everything that there is to know about people to pass a judgment and say he's right and he's wrong or she's right and she's wrong about something or someone?

Anyone? Really? That’s just as I expected.

There isn't a God forsaken soul on this planet that can claim to know it all... There isn't a Human Being who can tell you straight up what to expect from others... It's in our nature to exceed our own expectations whether it be in a positive manner or negative... and those who don't get it ... well... go see a therapist if that helps... because it's as simple as it gets.

According to Christian religion, God created Adam and Eve and rented them Eden to live in... They were good people who took care of the place and didn't make a lot of mess. They didn't break any rules that were set up by God and God was happy. Time went by and everything was the way it was suppose to be but then... out of no where... man, the ultimate creation, got swayed by curiosity and tasted the forbidden fruit... God found out what happened and in anger, kicked out the couple...

So what happened next? The world happened next. Weren’t you paying attention?

If men and women were suppose to be perfect then yes, I can force myself to agree that there is a possibility that someone out there could be perfect in judging others and might possess the miraculous power to make the right prediction about human beings. But that can only be a fantasy and God’s Ultimate Creation isn't perfect at all; and to expect anyone to possess perfection is another proof of the Human Imperfection.

It is in the best interest of every living thing on this planet to stop this judgment train. If there is no station where it should stop then technically there shouldn't be a train and the station where it started its journey in the first place.

Letter from a Sardar's mother

2006-04-29T07:47:00.000-07:00

My dear Lotta,

I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from home, so we moved 25 miles away and are safe now.

I won't be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with him for his new house so he would not have to change his address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, and that our address will remain same too.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.

Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.

Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your uncle, Beppo Singh fell in! the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Your best friend, Genda Singh, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father.

There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love Mom.

P.S: Lotta, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already posted off this letter.

Pain and Courage

2006-04-20T10:55:00.000-07:00

"So what if you think that the world is cruel and is filled with hatred? The world never thinks about you in this manner! Do u know the reason? because your sorrow and your pain isn't worth depressing the entire world. Pain does not matter. But the courage to stand it, does!" (Book of Reality, 201)

Change...

2006-03-05T08:38:00.000-08:00

In all the intensities of emotions and immunities to the attractions that I've felt and seen in my life, I have stopped here and I'm wondering what I've accomplished.

Many would wonder what the fuss is all about and many would pass by with no intention to ever finding out what had happened... Yet, I am watching the anomaly to take shape and develop, into an unknown, un-named, phenomena. It is what resonates a different pulse, scattering a different charisma, and this difference is the cause of the erratic heart beat; I'm feeling inside my chest, probably for the first time... I'm watching it take shape and I hope against what I would wish it would be. So many questions asphyxiate me into an abyss of monopolist dilemma. Is it the fear of the unknown? Or is it the difference that is creating this correlation between the two of us? I wish I knew myself, well enough, to answer those questions.

Just breath...

2006-02-26T08:26:00.000-08:00

Just breath... if you must..
Just scream... if you can...
just cry... if you should...
just roar... if you dare..

hold on... if you must...
move on... if you can...
deny... if you should...
defy... if you dare...

kill me... if you must...
hurt me... if you can..
survive... if you should..
stay alive... if you can...

one kiss... if you must...
a bliss... if you can...
stay high... if you should...
just fly... if you dare...

Long Time isn't it?

2006-02-14T14:59:00.000-08:00

Hi Iffi.. I'm iffi... I know I know we're both the same aren't we? well I saw you staying home, sick, tired, annoyed and alone on valentine's day... so.... I thought I wish you a happy valentine's day... Don't worry about anyone else not wishing you :) who cares?... Right?... Oh well... no worries... You'll live... Hey I heard you're doing fantastic in your Math's class.. scored a 100% eh? nice! :) cool... just keep that up and you'll definately get your scholarship.

Before I forget... let me know what kind of car are you planning to buy... Andrea might have done some research on it previously... Oh by the way... did you call any of your friends and wished them? yeah yeah... I know... you've got excuses... again...

By the way check out that song, the one they call... 'She's so High above me' by Everclear.. it's a song you'll definately like... sort of answers your question doesn't it? yeah I know about that too... :)

Oh well.. you've got things to do and I know I have to do stuff too... I'll check you out later.. keep in touch... you barely look at me anymore... I wonder what has caused you this much anguish that you can't even look at one person that knows everything about you and understands you better than anyone alive. Take Care... for my sake..

‘FROM THE FIELDS OF NO WHERE’

2006-01-29T11:32:00.000-08:00

A short story I wrote a few weeks ago.

Written by iffi

"You're not welcome to stay. You have to go. Pick a direction and start walking", said the little girl, who couldn't have been more than 9 years of age. Her rag-like dress was covered with dirt and her face also shared the same similarity, dirt, clearly giving the impression of playing in this field of dying grass. "Why am I here? You didn't answer me before. How did I get here and who are you?" I inquired. What was going on? I had no clue. "You have to go", she insisted. "Go before you're too late!" she pleaded as her dark brown eyes widened.

read the full story here

A Musical Vision of Devine Beauty

2006-01-09T09:15:00.000-08:00

Unfamiliar Grounds...

2006-01-09T08:01:00.000-08:00

It's not what I expected and it's certainly different than what I've seen in the past. This place is bigger and more crowded and so unfamiliar to me. I wonder how long it takes to fit in to a place like this one. Today I went to the Registration Office of the Education Evaluation Center here in Toronto. People from all sorts and backgrounds were there. Some, I could see, were new in the country and some were old. I guess most of them were shown the same dream as I was when I came here. And now that they know the reality of this system, they have decided to persue it like it's ment to be, here in canada.

I was told by many that they register and assess at the same time and it takes about 5 hours to complete the entire process. I was mis-informed. Either that or they have changed the structure of the process. Today was just the registration and it was done in about an hour and a half. Tomorrow is the assessment and the test. Am I worried? a bit nervous? somewhat. I'm not sure what they are assessing but I have a bit of an idea. However, the question still remains. Will this be enough for me to continue my journey toward what I seek? Or is it just a small rest stop before I begin walking on the actual path? I don't know yet. I wish I did but it's the unfortunate truth that I'm, like many others, not sure where all this is going to lead me.

I have a basic idea and I'm aiming my direction based on the plan of attack that I've been working on ever since I decided to change my life. I would have loved it if they were to happen exactly as I planned but I'm sure that's a very big assumption if I am to assume it. Sometimes, things change along the way. People change along the way. I've seen that happen many times. And it doesn't surprise me anymore. We all have seen that happen. And those who don't see or realise that the path of humankind is evolution, are not evolving anymore. They are stuck and that is the end of it. I just hope if it's ment to change me or if it's ment for my path to be modified or changed, I have the strength and wisdom to continue walking in the right direction and the ability to work my way toward the goals that I've set for my self. I am on unfamiliar grounds at the moment. But nothing remains unfamiliar for long. We just need the curiosity to discover more than what we are shown.

RAZR V3c

2006-01-04T04:42:00.000-08:00

It's the first major step for me this year. It's the coolest and the hottest of it's era. It's the most desired one. It's my RAZR V3c. When I first saw it's ad on television. I couldn't even think of going out there and buying one. But on January 2, 2006, I did. Along with a good plan with Rogers. What are the features? how good is it? well.. check it out.

RAZR V3c

A New Year has Dawned...

2006-01-01T02:27:00.000-08:00

Today is the dawn of a new year. 2006. And the past year has ended. A lot of things happened in this year. I made some new friends that I didn't know before. Learned some new things that I wasn't aware of. Did some new things that I wasn't sure I would do before. Became more self aware. And in all this time it turned out to be a pretty decent year. When I look back, I look for what I've accomplished. And I must say that there has been quite some this year. Would it be ok for me to write all them down? Maybe.. And maybe not. Maybe I should write all of those accomplishements down. They say if you write them down, you're just getting them out of your system. I would rather have them remain part of my memories and still write them down so they stand as a milestone in my life.

The great part about this year is that I learned who is who this year. Who are friends and who were just pretending to be. I made new friends that appeared different in the early stages of our friendship and I came to a conclusion that they are a lot more than what I thought they were. Ofcourse, it was in the positive terms that I see them part of my life. And on a pitiful notion, I also ended a few so called friendships that once I considered genuine. And I'm glad for doing that too. Cuz that was only degrading part of my life that I rather have blossom.

Launched two communities on the internet (Orkut) that are growing and are getting bigger and stronger each and everyday. I'm thankful for that. Launched the Magazine I was thinking about called Alternativ. Which is still in it's early stages of development but doing good.

I also learned a lot of new things about playing guitar. Which is another thing I would never forget. New chords and techniques. Which has helped me to improve as a musician and a song writer. And also wrote a few good songs that are one of the best work that I've written so far. Well.. that's what people are telling me. Explored two new languages and intigrating them in my music which I didn't considered doing before. like Punjabi and English. I wrote stuff before but never really considered making songs out of them. But this past year I accomplished that as well.

Made some decisions that I know will prove to be positive ones in the long run. About re-educating my self by going back to Univertisy. About building up my credit history and saving up money for the things that I want to have in my life. And finally took a step forward. It took me sometime to realize my mistakes but I'm glad I came to a conclusion that will help me in the future. When in Rome do as the Romans do. A very simple but universal truth.

Three of my good friends found their life partners. Andrea, Rita and Shimmi. They are happy and I can see it in their eyes and their smiles. Shimmi also had a son this year. which is a good thing and some what strange to me cuz I remember HIM as a kid who didn't wanted to get married. hehehehe. But it's great.. I still haven't seen the pics of the new born because i haven't been in touch with him that much but I'm happy for him. And I wish him the best of all that is coming his way.

This year I have a lot of goals to achieve. Lots and lots of things to do. It might sound a bit cleche but I know this is going to be my year. This year I'm letting go of my fears and I'm setting up my self for a brighter and better future. What I've learned from all the previous days of my life is that life doesn't wait for you to live it. It's giving you the opportunity to live it up. But it's upto you to avail it. And that is what I have in mind.

I grew my hair back again. :) Something I wasn't happy about when I entered 2005 but since it was for the kids who are dealing with cancer I guess I can't complain. I have 3 more years to keep my hair long and after that I'm going to donate them again. Ofcourse to the same cause. The Cancer Society for Children. I've worked for the benefits of Children before. And, for now, this is my way of doing something positive for a heartbreaking situation.

The year 2005 also brought a lot of pain and suffering to the world. Natural Disasters like Katrina, Tsunami, Earth Quake in Pakistan and many other. And the only thing I can say is that I'm hoping that this year will bring some joy to the victims of these Disasters. I know many have lost their homes, their loved ones and their lives and I can only hope for the best for them. But if there's one thing we've learned from all the natural and un-natural disasters and events is that Life goes on. Life will find a way.

The best of all is that I don't have any regrets for this year. Which says a lot about this year because previously I always had some regrets, one way or the other. But not this year.. Not this time. I'm happy how it all turned out. I'm not saying there were no mishaps or mistakes or things that caused me pain. But when I look back and see all the things that turned out to be positive, I guess it doesn't just balance it out, it exceeds negatives.

In the end I would like to say to anyone who ever reads this blog is that I'm sure you've had your share this year. All I can say is to look at the positive side of things. If someone hurts you, u learn from it and don't make the same mistake. Break away connections with those who cause you pain. Why keep something close to you when it's only remaining purpose is to hurt you. And last but not the least.. Life doesn't wait. It has to move on and it is wise if you move with it. Sorrow or pain will eventually fade away. It might leave some scars but hey.. that's a reminder of your strength of overcoming your odds. Welcome to the 2006. May this year be the best that you have ever lived. I know for a sure fact. It will be for me.

I've Broken Those Chains Before...

2005-12-28T04:10:00.000-08:00

So what if I haven't said a word...
So what if she never had any faith...
So what if she believed what they said...
So what if it almost killed me..

So what if I was disapointed...
So what if I was misunderstood...
So what if she blames that i did the same...
So what if she blames me for her guilt...

So what if I smiled and closed that door...
So what if I don't want more...
So what if it still hurts sometimes...
So what if those weren't my crimes...

I'm still here..
I'm still alive...
I'm still breathing...
I know how to survive...

You think I would break...
You think I would cave in...
No my dear...
That's just not me...

I've broken those chains before...
Things that caused me pain before...
And I just never turned around...
I never walked on that ground...

Could it be that I'm a stone...
one of the reasons to be alone...
I don't know and I don't care...
Heartless moments I couldn't spare...

You think I would break...
You think I would cave in...
No my dear...
That's just not me...

A world in me...

2005-12-28T03:50:00.000-08:00

As the world is contracting day by day, I find my self standing outside and watching the show. It feels a bit weird to watch how people act and react under certain curcumstances. But on the same not, I feel good, knowing that I can watch this show and learn something from each observation. Every night seems to have grown longer and every day seems like moving too fast. Sometime it's hard to stop a moment and observe it. Is it just me or is it really true what they say. Time gains speed as you grow older. There is no one really left to talk to and there is no one left that understands all my bablings. I guess the more you discover yourself the more alone you become. I wonder who said that self awareness is the best thing that can happen to a person.

In every man and every woman, there is a world in it's own. And each world is filled with countless imaginations and countless realities. There aren't much that people can see. And there aren't much that people allow others to see. However, it doesn't mean they exist. Some people hide these worlds from the rest of the universe so that they are the only ones who know about it. And some simply don't know how to show it. I wonder if some one is out there whom I'll allow to see my world, who will understand my reality. I don't bind my self with a hope that there is one but they say we are all connected to someone. One way or the other. I wonder how much that is true. For me it's a simple and yet complicated truth. The one who sees my world will be showing me hers. Am I ready for that? or do I like to fool my self with the idea that there is some what hope still left in me to believe that this is not an imagination. But a reality waiting to occure.

White Road On a Black Day

2005-12-16T21:14:00.000-08:00

It was getting dark outside. Snow was falling hard that day. And even thou I was holding the cup of the black sugarless coffee in my hands, I could feel the chill going through the bodies of people, whom I could see from the window of that warm coffee shop. The look on the faces and the consistency of balancing themselves as they walked on the white roads of Ranforth Drive, while at the same time trying to look through the windy air that carried the snow flakes with it.

I looked down in the cup. It was nearly empty now. But my thoughts weren't staying on getting a refill because my ears were filled with the jumbled murmered voices that were filling the coffee houses. A high pitched voice of a lady explaining another man how her daughter hasn't called her back from somewhere I didn't know of. And an old man slurping on his coffee as if he's trying to enjoy every single sip. A few giggles of some young girls and some wisperings as if telling each other some dirty little secrets of their boyfriends. And a few middle aged men talking about construction work. But in all this comotion, my mind couldn't focus on any of them at that point. Infront of me was a girl with tears in her eyes. My gaze was fixed on one that was rolling down her right cheak as it landed on the table. And before another could land she wiped them off with a napkin. Still sniffing a bit, she looked at me and said. "I don't see the point anymore". She paused and looked outside the window as if she was remembering something. "It's getting harder and harder each day... And I just don't know what to do" She said with desparation in her voice. I was hoping she would just stop thinking about all the things that has happened that weak. I knew it wasn't that easy but in my mind I knew that she has to try. Looking at the cup of coffee that was laying infront of her, still full and probably cold, she wispered something. I couldn't make anything out of it. "What?" I inquired. She looked at me as if trying to understand why I failed to hear her words. She opened her mouth to say something but then she stopped before she could even begin. "Nevermind..." she said. "You wont understand..." she said with a cracked voice. "There are other options. But I don't know if you're strong enough to take them on." I gave her my opinion on the matter and recieved a confused look from her. She was trying to analyze while looking me straight in the eyes. "How?" she asked me. I took another sip from my cup which made the cup completely empty. Looked outside just to get a glance of the road again. And then I started to talk to her.

After talking to her a few more minutes Presenting a solution to her that I thought would work in her favor and while give her the opportunity to gain what she's been after, I realised that the conversation had no conclusion. To my surprise, there was nothing I said to her that she wanted to follow. She was convinced that she was making an effort in her own approved ways but I knew that it was the complete opposite. After insisting for a few moments to consider the possibility she said, "I doubt I have any interest in these matters. These things are not for me. So let's not talk about this anymore." After this comment I could feel that there was nothing more to add to the scene. I knew what my role was in this meeting and I understood the part and played it well. Unfortunately it didn't end the way she pictured it in her head and niether did it end in the way I visioned it. But atleast she was good in re-writing another end to that scene. Leaving me as just a listener. Leaving her as a victim. And leaving the society as the cruel villian. She picked up her purse. Said her good byes and left the building. I sat there for a few moments, trying to piece together the events that took place in that weak. Her denial to accept the solution ment nothing. I was still right. I was still sure that her method of approach to the matter wasn't right. But the one thing that created a reason for not to lose my temper on her stupidity was a very simple and honest truth. It wasn't mine to deal with.

10 minutes ago: "How can I love someone I haven't met and accept him to be my husband when I barely know him." she said. The look in her eyes was announcing her desperation. "You can end it if you don't want to continue this game." I said while looking at the counter and waving my fingers to grab the attention of the young waitress. "I can't... I don't think I can... Women from our family don't do this!!!" Silence followed after loud screaming words hit the walls of the coffee shop and bounced back. I could feel the head turning at the tables behind me and I could see the rest of the people behind her looking back at us. She looked down and said "I'm sorry... I didn't mean to shout at you...". My concern wasn't her shouting anymore. I was more discusted with the way people were looking at us. Yet my eyes were stuck on her lowered head. "If you can't ask for a divorce then I'm afraid you'll have to deal with this when you leave for Pakistan and arrive at his door step." I said and continued, "I know a good divorce lawyer that can take care of..." before I could finish my sentence she jumped and said "No! I have to follow my parent's will... They are.... I respect them... I don't think I can ever say 'No' to them... I haven't... I can't..."

10 minutes after: "What's wrong with that girl?" asked jenny the waitress. "Nothing" I said and while trying to avoid another question related to whom jenny would have called "weird girl" I said "Can I get a refill?". "Yeah... Drinking black again?" she asked. "Yeah..." I replied as I looked down inside my empty cup and then continued, "It's another black day... too bad...". She smiled while pouring the coffee in my cup. "It's always a black day." she said and walked away to another table. "I looked at the cup, again, filled with hot coffee and then my eyes were back on the road again. A white road on a black day.

Closed Chapter.

2005-12-14T20:38:00.000-08:00

I don't like the idea to start off with the intention of insulting someone's intelligence but there is a limit to what I can take. A lot of people claim that they understand me and that they understand the reason for my anger. But they don't. In fact, they don't even have the slightest of ideas of what goes in my mind. But ofcourse there are those who consider it a normal thing to pass a judgment without knowing the facts that surrounds a person or his or her circumstances. And too all of those who think they have the right to pass a judgment without knowing the facts from fiction.. Well... I pity you. I pity those who do not understand the basics of humanity that was meant to be part of our lives but isn't, thanks to those who consider it a privilege to eliminate others who think in other dimensions. I pity those who take pride in eradicating the means to let our minds and our souls grow into something that is far more better than anything we have yet encounters. In simpler words. I pity those who are afraid of evolution of mankind. Just because you're set in your ways doesn't mean everyone else has to follow you. And just because someone is NOT following you doesn't mean they are lunatics. I have stressed this point so many times but now I pity those who fail to understand this. In the beginning I was use to hold anger inside me for those who were so close minded that they couldn't differentiate between a bird and a bee. But now I think I've seem to pity them more than anything else. And yes I consider them low lives because that's what they are. That is exactly what a person is if he cannot see beyond a certain point and still claims there is nothing there.

I know there are those who hate me and there are those who claim to like me or even love me but the question is.. What do I feel for them? For some I feel the same way. And for some I just pity them. But unfortunately I cannot blame them. It's not their fault that their minds are so closed. I guess that is how they were brought up and that is what they can be at their best. So as of this moment, they are nothing more then a closed chapter in my life. Something that I will not care to open again. Not because I don't like to. Simply because, it's just not worth it.

I was Concerned...

2005-11-24T20:52:00.000-08:00

As I looked outside this morning, I saw the roads and the roof tops covered with the snow. Father Snow has done it again... But this time around it was different for me... For the first time I saw the snow outside the window and instead of feeling what I usually feel, which is somewhat excitement, I was concerned. It's not that I haven't seen this much snow before. It's quite the opposite. I've had the pleasure of working outdoors while it's -36 C and the wind-chill was making it feel like -48C. And as much as I would like to claim the glory here for being able to work 8 hours in the unbearable cold, I rather forget that I ever did participate in that event of my life. It was as cold as I have ever felt in my life but this year, this time around I'm somewhat concerned. And I couldn't help asking my self why I'm concerned when I have seen worse. I still don't have the answer to that question but I do know that the charm that I once had of seeing the snow falling for the first time is certainly not there anymore.

The first time I saw the snow flakes in Canada was 3 years ago. And I was excited like a little boy who's found out that the comic book heroes that he admires are real life people. :) It only takes a few more years till the senses kicks in and that little kid realized what he believed once isn't true anymore. The first time I saw the snow falling was when I was sitting in a car while Andrea was driving. I had a smile on my face and she was angry. I looked at her and I wondered why she would show anger on such a beautiful phenomenon of nature. But today as I'm writing this, I can understand how she must have felt. It's not that we get use to it here in Canada, infact, it's the complete opposite. People end up hating the snow because it reduces people's ability to live normally. I must have cleaned the car 5 times today to make sure that the driving part is easier on me but it wasn't. The roads where I saw people driving at 100 km/h while the speed limit is 80 was covered with cars that aren't moving faster than 40km/h and the sky that stays clear most of the year was so clouded today that it gave me the feeling as if this snow will never stop falling.

Another thing that I've noticed now is that I don't consider it the beginning of winter unless I see snow. I wonder how I would act and react when I'm in Pakistan when in winters I was use to wear just a shirt and maybe once in a while a sweater. It's a lot different than what it was use to be for me. But in a way I am happy that I know how this feels like. One more series of experiences that I will remember till the end of my days.

I don't want to miss a thing.

2005-11-19T21:52:00.000-08:00

I know that there are lot's of reason why I shouldn't post these lyrics in my blog but I like this song so much that I had to :) Anyways... If you've heard this song then I'm sure you know how beautiful it is. Just to understand it's beauty in the silence of just words I'm writing them over here. Eventually I'll learn to play it on my guitar too but that depends on the free time I have.

So here it is with out further due..

I don't want to miss a thing.

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you’re far away dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure

Don’t want to close my eyes
I don’t want to fall asleep
Cause I’d miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I’d still miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing

Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I’m wondering what you’re dreaming
Wondering if it’s me you’re seeing
Then I kiss your eyes
And thank God we’re together
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever
Forever and ever

Don’t want to close my eyes
I don’t want to fall asleep
Cause I’d miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I’d still miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing

I don’t want to miss one smile
I don’t want to miss one kiss
I just want to be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just want to hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time

Don’t want to close my eyes
I don’t want to fall asleep
Cause I’d miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I’d still miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing

Don’t want to close my eyes
I don’t want to fall asleep
I don’t want to miss a thing

by Aerosmith

My Newest Creation.

2005-11-15T11:26:00.000-08:00

THE ERRATICS

"It is the incompetence of man kind that it respects a Chaos and it's after effects but it fails to apreciate Order when it's in effect..."

It's a scientific fact that Human kind is continously evolving into something better. But if that is true then why is that in order apreciate anything, we look back in the history and say, "Those were the people, those were the minds, those were the days. There cannot be anything or anyone like them in the future."

These are some of the thoughts that I have in my head and these are some of the things that keeps me ticking. I know that I'm not the only one who thinks like this. That's why I'm creating this group for the people who think in these dimensions. And if you are one of them then you should share your thoughts with the rest of us. Because we are the Erratics. We are the ones who defy the norms. There might not be a place for us in the "commercial" history books. But there is a certain need in this present and the future that is ours.

Here's the link:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/erratics/

A Cigar and A Matchbox

2005-11-14T16:36:00.000-08:00

Today I bought my self a cigar. Haven't smoked it yet but soon I will. It looked good in the window and it smells even better after I had it in my hand. I paid the guy 10 bucks for the thing and for some reason the guy at the shop was somewhat happy. I've been in sales quite a long time so I know when a man is happy for making a sale and this wasn't that happiness.

As he took the cigar out of the box I said to him, "They say that it's a good thing to light the cigar with a match insted of a lighter. It keeps the texture and taste of the cigar intact." Needless to say he agreed with me and that knode told me that he himself likes to smoke a cigar once in a while when he's in the mood. Or when there is an occasion.

I asked him if I can buy a match from him. He looked around for one and here and there his eyes kept coming back to the cigar. There was a look on his face as if he's remembering some of the times from his past when at night he had a cigar in his hands as he relaxes on his favorite seat, enjoying the evening.

He found the match box and then placed it on the glass top of his counter which were showing some remaining lottery tickets. I asked him what the price was so that I can pay him and be on my way. He looked into my eyes and gave me a smile. "Take it, don't worry about it" he said as he closed the cash register. "Thanks" I said. "You have your self a great evening." he said as he wiped off some of the dust that was on top of counter. "Thanks. You too... Bye" I replied to him and started to walk toward the door.

But the best part about this one is that it reminds me of my country. I don't exactly know what it is that I'm remembering from it

took some time off... or did i?

2005-11-13T17:11:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago I applied for a credit card. Neither to say that this was the first time I even considered having one since I don't believe in owing any one any money. Funny thing for me is that even thou my record is pretty good when it comes to paying my bills I found my self wondering why they would ask me to deposit money. After doing a bit of research I found out that it doesn't matter how well you are in paying your bills, if you don't have a credit card the first time around, you'll have to put a deposit down to get started. Yes that's right. Get started! Now why would they say that? Pretty simple. I never had a credit card before so according to the Credit Union, I don't have a credit history. Which results in taking it from the start. No matter how many bills I've paid in my life, they simply don't give a crap. So now I am here and wondering if it's really worth putting down a deposit and locking down 200 dollars for the rest of time. :) Now that doesn't sound right... does it? Honestly NO! it doesn't but guess what. 200 dollars is worth putting down considering the amounts of benefits that you can have when you have a credit card. It helps in a lot of ways like buying a car, buying a house, buying something other than that and stuff... I'm not gonna go into all that because if you really want to know about all of that stuff you should just 'google' it. That would help you out faster and in more details than I can. :)

Anyways...

I'm working vigorously now a days. And it my sound like something most people in North America wouldn't like to believe but I haven't had a break from work since 4 weeks. Seriously... No breaks. No days off. after working for 10 hours every single day I'm tired... I really need a break but since this is based on a contract. I'm stuck with this schedule. I'm hoping that will end soon. But the question that comes with that is... if it ends will that throw me back on to the waiting list again? where I wait for my contract to be picked up again? Not sure.. I don't feel like taking that other job that really doesn't make any sense.

Whatever...

I'm working my ass for for now.. and it's paying alright too.. hehehe

There are some other things that are going on in my life besides work so don't think thats the only thing but that I'll put up here late on.

Guilt Train..

2005-09-28T13:53:00.000-07:00

Ok. Here I am coming home after working like crazy for the last 3 days and I sit down to check my mail and guess what I find. Emails and messages from some misguided minds who do have the concept of writing down things, but they don't exactly know what their true meanings are.

Skimming to the part where things started to intrigue me is the concept that most of the women in the world are familiar with. Some of them even acknowledge it and most of them don't.. "What's with the girls and their guilt train?" yes.. "Guilt Train". That's what I call it. The methods and efforts of women to make men feel guilty by constantly dwelling on something to make it work in their favor. I wonder what the history books hold in side them. Do they have any documented events that shows this phenomenon of how this would have started out. Has this been happening since the beginning of man kind? Or is it something that started out just recently when women finally got most of the world to acknowledge their equality? It sounds like an interesting subject to write about as an article for my mag. "Women and their methods to make men feel guilty even if they aren't."

I wonder who should I assign this subject to. If I wrote on this subject then it's a guy's opinion. Then it doesn't hold much water. But.. If I assign this subject to a woman. Hmmm.. Now that's something to think about. Oh by the way.. Don't start thinking that something is actually making me feel guilty.. Trust me.. I don't. I don't see the point of feeling like that when I know that I have nothing to feel guilty about. Well.. Maybe one thing. Being honest about what you feel.

Hmmm... Being honest about what someone feels... Now that's another thought. Do people do that now a days? Or do they keep everything inside bottled up, and pretend that every thing is fine just because they didn't wanted to hurt someone's feelings.. Well.. It's an interesting subject but I don't really believe it need my devotion at the moment. Not right now anyway. Because like always, I have some other things to take care of. The only thing I would say on this particular subject is what I always say.. "I rather be honest than deceptive". And if that hurts someone. Well.. Then I guess they should have never engaged a conversation with someone who doesn't believe in sugar-coating this world and present it in a tray with some side dish of lies, contrary to what some people think.

Good with Bad..

2005-09-24T18:51:00.000-07:00

"I wonder how it feels like to fly so free as a bird the open and uncharted sky? I wonder how superman feels like when he's gliding in the wind.. But when I think about -40C in February of this country, I dont feel like I even wanna thiink about it. Who in the right mind would want to fly at that temprature?"

Another senario.. A guy sits down with his girl friend. The night is young, full moon shining at it's glory while the wind tickles the leaves the the tree behind the bench they're siting on and give u the silent breaking yet very contained music of the leaves clapping their hands in an unusual harmony. :) He looks her eyes... oh those beautiful deep eyes.. gaurded by those long and sheltering eye lashes... and he says.. "my dog threw up this morning when I tried cleaning his teeth. "

Above are two perfect examples of how to ruin a good thing by thinking about a bad one right beside it. Sometimes, somethings gets linked with some things and even the most of the beautiful moment gets ruined. I'm sure people have others just like that. But then again...

Why? Why Not!!!

2005-09-23T15:51:00.000-07:00

Someone asked me why I place lyrics on my blog.. Um... first... those lyrics are usually explaining what I'm feeling at that particular time.. so... Thats one reason.. 2nd reason.. It's my blog. I do whatever I feel like with it..

The Differences...

2005-09-23T15:31:00.000-07:00

A few moments ago.. I was having a discussion or more of an aurgument with someone regarding keeping differences alive based on religion. My personal view on that is that it's sickening.. To see people still having that jammed up mentality that u can't even be friends with people of other religions.. or have any association..

I'm surprised that watching the world turn into a global village and become more familiar with each other is bothering some people. How the hell does that work? Insted of apreciating that the world which is more connected and have learned more about the distant brothers and sisters that were aliens to them for such a long time u prefer to keep the lame differences just because some jack ass who cant wipe his ass on his own tells u that God doesn't permit it? If u wanna talk about God then when in the hell did God gave anyone the permission to judge anyone in the first place? People who commit crimes in the name of God and say that this is what God wanted us to do.. I think they are as lame as a fucked up bum who's high on drugs all the time.. There is NO Man who has the right to kill another even in the name of God. And if u support and upraise the differences that people have in this world based on religion. Then I guess you would support people killing people in the name of religion as well.. And if thats the case.. Well.. u need theropy and need to be locked up for good. People with that mentality shouldn't be allowed to be part of this world that they can't let live in peace.

mujh say kahay...

2005-09-20T16:56:00.000-07:00

mujh say Kahay....
Ek JalPari
Doob Jaanay Do..
Jal Mein Kaheen..
Dil Ki Lage
Kehnay Lage
Ruk Jaanay Do
Teher Jaanay Do
Jal Mein Kaheen
So Jaanay Do
Chup Jaanay Do
Lehrom Mein Kaheen
Duub Jaanay Do
Shor Na Karo
Yaron Aankh Hai Lagi
Behel Jaanay Do Yaar
Jal Mein Kaheen
O Re Piya Kehta Jiya
Tu Hain Kahan
Mein Yun Yahaan

Ehsaas by Atif Aslam.

2005-09-03T18:18:00.000-07:00

Alright.. 2 days ago someone asked me to sing something from Atif Aslam's Album. Paticularly the song called Ehsaas. I must say.. I didn't really had any previous encounter with that song so I had to decline. I kinna felt bad for doing that. So when I came home I started looking for the song and the guitar tabs.. Unfortunately... There was absolutely no tabs there non what so ever for this song. :) so I picked up my guitar and started working on the chords.. Anyways.. this is what I came up with{with a little help of maryam}.. Works fine for me..

[Em]
Mein Aik Fard Hoon
[G]
Ya Ek Ehsaas Hoon
[Em]
Mein Ik jism Hoon
[G]
Ya Rooh Ki Pyaas Hoon

[A]
Kay such ki Talaash Hai..
[G]
Duur Aakaash Hai
[A]
Manzil Paas Nahi..
[G]
Kya Tu Mere Paas Hai

[Em]
Kabhi Main Amal Hoon..
[G]
Kabhi Bay Amal Hoon
[Em]
Gar Tujh Mein Nahi..
[G]
To Phir Bay Mehal Hoon

[A]
Kay such ki Talaash Hai..
[G]
Duur Aakaash Hai
[A]
Manzil Paas Nahi..
[G]
Kya Tu Mere Paas Hai

If anyone whats to play along with them.. be my guest. OR if u got any suggestions. Sure go for it.
http://www.h3o.info/downloads/EHSAAS.mp3 This is the link to the song.

Have fun.

working on alternative

2005-08-30T16:42:00.000-07:00

Alright.. so its taking me longer than usual to work on the magazine I've been thinking of creating for the last year or so.. Well.. thats not something unexpected.. When ur the only one working to create something. It takes time.. I wonder how long it will take thou.. I'm still working on the recruiting part.. And since I'm not familiar with a lot of writers that could write on thier own without constantly naging for ideas, it takes time.

Just about 2 hours ago.. I thought of starting up a community on orkut. Based on the principles of this upcoming magazine. I wonder how long will it take to get good enough readers on it.. But I'm glad that I took the initiative cuz again.. If I'm the only one working on it.. I better put all my effort toward it.

Now lets see how long it takes..

Wrote another song..

2005-08-03T21:13:00.000-07:00

Ok. back again.. was just writing another song. I think me going back to recording has given me so much motivation that automatically I'm writing more songs and actually good ones. :) thanks to God for giving me the ability for doing what i do. Just a few minutes ago I started writing something.. It started out reviewing something very long that I wrote down about 5 years ago.. and just when I'm reviewing it, I started to write something relevent to that subject. Next thing I know.. that subject changed into something else and I ended up writing something completely different. And it turns out it's a pretty catchy thing.. and how do i know that? well... I watched my sister when I was playing my guitar and singing that song. and I noticed that her feet were moving. Knowing what kinna music she listens to and what her views are on Pakistani Music. I think I got a pretty big complement. hahaha. Unlike most of the work that I have done this one actually made her feel a bit good about herself. Hmmm... looks like I'm on the verge of creating something good. :D Anyways.. I dont wanna jinks it before it's even complete.

Now a days I'm trying really hard to finish off my writing and composing part for the album. Because Im really really serious this time. I have to get this done. Its been ages since I started to write songs for that album and it's time I do something about it. Most of our work is pretty much complete on the papers.. Just need to start working on the recording part of it. Lets see how that goes this friday. Hopefully something positive will come out of that session. My bro is pretty good in his field and has a good sense of what to do with a song. So I'm hoping it's gonna be a something good if not awesome. Anyways.. Got to go.. Got to take care of some other stuff.

And we begin again...

2005-08-01T23:24:00.000-07:00

Status: Listening to Music
Song: Junoon's Mein Kaun Hoon
Mood: A bit relieved.
Reason: We started working on the music tracks again.

After a very very long time, me and yaz finally sat down to talk about the future of our band dehek. And after talking to him I realised that he is as anxious to get the album on the completion as I am. We sat down, we first talked about what the plan of attack is. And after working on that for about an hour we started working on some old stuff that we started but couldn't finish the last time around. I finally ended up doing the vocals of one of our new songs "Chaar Diwaari" and it turned out pretty good. Even thou the music wasn't complete, I still managed to finish off the vocal parts.. By the way. Just to make it better I'll be doing the vocals again to make sure that it comes out to be perfect for the final mix.

It took me a while to get back into the scene as it's been quite sometime since I recorded my vocals. Honestly? I thought I wasn't pulling my weight at first and was a bit dis-hearted.. I thought maybe I've lost my touch. But I guess it was the absence of jamming and practice that threw me back because after a practice round, I finished off the track with grace.. And felt good about the work. I still think that I could have done better but anyways.. For now the vocals are done and once Ez is gonna take care of his part with the synth and the bass guitar and drums and dholak are recorded, I'll redo the vocals to give it the last touch. I'm sure by that time I'll be in a lot more better condition than today.

Recording after such a long time felt so good and that wasn't the only reason for me that I'm back in the seat. I was happy and anxious at the same time because I finally see that we are moving ahead after a long break of over 10 months with no production.. And it wasn't just me, Yaz was also feeling a bit confident than the times I met him before :) I also told him about that very first punjabi song I've written and he loved the lyrics. All of the people/friends who have read the lyrics are actually waiting for me to complete that track and bring it up on the internet or release it in the market. I'm hoping they like the end product. :)

'Ki Puchday Ho' is the 3rd track that we are planning to do because we have 2 unfinished tracks that we have to complete before moving on to this one. I'm looking forward to see this punjabi item thou. It's very unlikely for me to write something in this language as it's definately not my first language. Yes it's true that my parents speak this language fluently but I'm not the fluent one. But I think I'm gonna be enjoying this experiment. :) Lets see if I can truely capture the mood of that song in the composition that I've been making. On paper I'm making it Semi Eastern Classical, Semi Jazz/Rock. But I'm still not very sure what the end result is going to be once we are done with it. Becuz it always tends to change a bit once it gets off the board and on the tracks. Mostly for the better. Yaz has a good touch with Jazz/Rock and he's very interested in doing this experiment just like me. So lets see what happens this upcoming Friday. As I'm hoping for the bass guitars to be done by then and hopefully that day we'll be done with synth as well unless there is a change of plan later on. For now I'm leaving my mind open to all ideas that comes to me.

Most of the time people think it's easy to do an album. Atleast 10 years ago thats what everyone thought. But no one really understands the true hardship what a band or an individual has to go through in the process of this creation. It's not easy at all.. Once u get to see the formation of your work into something solid, thats when u understand what it's worth. It may not be worth a penny to anyone else but to u it's your work and your soul thats being poured out. A lot of people sing. A lot of people write. and I dont say that they dont pour out the essense of themselves in it because without that u simply can't do anything. Becuz if thats not the case then it's like a job u really hate but have to do becuz ur providing for your family. It sucks! And music isn't anything without your own essence in it. Ever since I was a child I wanted to know what this was all about. Because this is the only one thing that truely touched me from the inside out. To most it maybe something fun and not a real job but I can't imagine my life with out it. It just wont be me anymore..

I met a fan today.

2005-07-30T21:28:00.000-07:00

Alright.. Today something a bit funny happened.. I was at work and for some reason I had to go and visit someone at their house. I got there and we started talking a bit and in between that I told him about my band Dehek, the guy was a bit surprised to see me. Turns out he's a fan and then he asked me for an autograph. :) Anyways.. I gave him the autograph and he asked me for my email address on msn. I gave him that and then when I got home turns out he has already added me. Anyways.. he said Hi again and then says.. "u know my mom is hooked on to your song" lol.. hahaha. that was a bit unusual for me to hear from someone.. and then the guy drops a bomb on me and says. It was really a big thing that a personality like me has visited him at his home and that he wont be able to sleep tonight knowing that he met me today. There he was telling me about all this and I'm laughing my head off.. hahaha. Even now i can't help but smile when I'm writing this. How unusual it turned out thats what I'm thinking of. Who would have thought that I go out for work and meet a fan like that.. A friend of mine thought he's just buttering me up for something. hehehe.. well she could be right too.. but as long as I dont know that.. I'm kinna enjoying this. :) It sort of reminds me of that girl who was use to send me flowers at work after listening to me play once at a friend's birthday party. I guess just when u think life couldn't hold a surprise for u, u end up getting another one.

The Awful Truth

2005-07-22T21:31:00.000-07:00

What do u think?

immortal unwanted..

2005-07-22T21:05:00.000-07:00

would somebody please define what immortality is? I often hear people that everyone seeks immortality in some way. some build cities. some build castles and some help or destroy parts of worlds so that they can be remembered. And for those who don't have the power to do that.. they simply have children to carry their name into the next generation and the next and the next. Some are remembered when they didn't even plan to be in the books of history. one way or the other on a scale grand or small, we all create immortals. But what do u do when u don't want some one to be immortal? what do u do when dont want someone to be remembered by YOU! how do u erase that person from your memory when all u can remember from that is the torture u've endured over the years of your life? how do u forget someone who isn't worth remembering???

not sleeping

2005-07-22T15:33:00.000-07:00

how tired do one has to be before he or she sleeps? I'm awake when I'm asleep. Everything that is going around when I'm sleeping. I'm aware of it.. The TV outside.. the programs on it. The Radio that my sister is listening to.. The phone conversation my bro is having with his friends that he doesn't want my dad to find out about.. I can hear it all... all of this becomes part of my life even thou I dont want it to be.. I just lay there.. breathing in and out.. with my eyes closed and coved with something to stop the daylight from entering my dreams.. and after 6 hours of just laying there I'll get up again.. it's been years since I last felt that I was dreaming about something nice.. but I guess that doesnt' happen.. not willingly.. I think I'll wait for a night when I can finally fall a sleep. the question however is.. would I wanna walk up after that..?? I dont know.. I'll find out when I get to that point.

back on memory lane.

2005-07-21T01:32:00.000-07:00

A few moments ago, I was watching the movie called "The Butterfly Effect". I loved the movie but just when it was about to end, just at the last scene, something triggered an emotion that I thought I finally had under control. Ah... I started to feel the same way as the day I left my life behind.. I don't know why but it happened again. I started to think about all the things and everything that relates me to her.. *sigh* I thought I finally have gotten over it....... I guess I haven't. I'm sure that I won't be watching that movie ever again. Even thou it is a good one, somehow I think I don't want to feel that way ever again. Sometimes u have to sacrifice something that matters to u the most in order for everyone to be happy and stable. I guess that movie reminded me of that once again. Even thou I shouldn't regret what happened 3 years ago... I can't help but feel this way. I go back to the memory lane from time to time and all I can gather from it is the sorrow that I feel today.. People tell me that I shouldn't keep those memories.. But how can I not? Thats all that is left in my mind. A faded picture of a smile that could bring back life in me no matter what I've been through. I guess I shouldn't think more about it anymore.. cuz that only makes it worse.

My Pieces

2005-07-16T01:11:00.000-07:00

Another day has passed and unlike any other day. I was outside but like any other day. I felt alone. Even when I'm not in my surroundings I'm feeling this way. I guess I'm so use to feeling this way that now it doesn't matter where I am. I spent most of my day at a coffee shop having some irish coffee and reading a book. No one dared to bothered me and I didn't bother anyone. Reading that novel got me thinking about something. Everything we do takes a piece of us and gives us a piece of them. And, with or without our intentions, becomes part of our lives. I wonder which part of me is my own now. I wonder what's original about me or anyone else for that matter. Piece by piece we turn into who we are and there are so many pieces.. all of them belonging to separate time frames in my life or some person who was part of that time.

If this is in anyway true then where do I stand? In a reality that shouldn't be real? Or a dream that is impossible...??

a different side of someone.

2005-07-13T19:51:00.000-07:00

last night's dinner was great. It was a bit more expensive than what I thought it to be. $77.75. but I guess it's fine. Since I don't spend that much money on dinner probably once a year. :) Unless it is with some really close person. Me and Rita talked for quite sometime before we ordered a meal. And in that 6 hour window I figured out a lot of things about what the whole deal of dating in the forties is like. Quite honestly I wasn't sure what it would be like if I was 40-ish and dating someone. She's got a boyfriend who's doing alright. But based on what I observed from her. She isn't that much into him. I guess thats what u'll think when she tells u that if they break up then she will not have any regrets or remorse. She said that she might feel sorry for the guy. hmmm.. thats interesting.. Does that mean she thinks she is too good for him? or does it mean that she does more for him than anyone else? Frankly, I have no freakin' clue. But I know this much. She went back to dating after a very long time and if this is what she thinks of her boy friend than I guess I don't know women as good as I thought I did.

Rita and I go back atleast 3 years.. We were use to work together and had a good time there at the office. Even thou she was my supirior, she always had questions about things that she wanted me to answer. And I gladly did, since we were friends before she was apointed my supervisor. But based on what I know about her. I think she's lucky to have Brian as a boyfriend. It's true that I don't know Brian at all. I haven't even met the guy. But she seems a lot more happier and clear headed as she was before. But how do you know what a person is truely like? They say that if you spend time with them, you get to know them better. And me and Rita spent a lot more time together than brian and rita has so far. I guess long hours at work demanded that from both of us. But if this is how u get to know a person. Anyways.. The conclusion of the dinner with Rita was that there are still a lot of things that I don't know about the people I'm close to. Maybe it's because I haven't spent time with them as much as one should in order to know someone in that much detail. Or maybe when you're dating someone. You get to see another side of that person. The side that was either not available to be shown to every one else or it just got created. I have no idea which analysis would fit in better. But I would like to know how far this depth of creativity goes. Hmmm... Maybe I'll have to observe this from the inside of the circle. Insted of the outside.

an usual turn of events....

2005-07-11T21:14:00.000-07:00

Alright.. just a few moments ago I had a fight with one of my friends.. she doesn't get it.. she thinks that controlling everything and everyone around her is the way to go.. well.. I'm sorry but I didn't know that dictatorship is a loveable charmish act. And to top it all, it's like she is passing a judgement that I'm guilty of using profanity in a discussion forum. where people simply don't get their heads out of their behinds and see the world in a different light. Girls do this. Girls do that.. Men are better because thats what islam teaches.. whatever!!!! I doubt any religion teaches that a women is ment to be lower than a man.

Anyways back to the original point I'm trying to make here.. A discussion about why Extra Marital Affairs Happen had this little art work written in there.. some Geniuses idea of bring out facts.. "This situation comes to those couples who used to have bf's and gf's in their teenage or before marriage" and my reply to that was "There are good points here that you guys have mentioned. But the one about dating before marriage leading to EMA. Thats just BullCrap." so I wrote "Bull Crap" and thats profanity to her.. I could have said a lot of stuff that IS profanity but insted I sensored up my word and use crap insted of writing down shit! and that, somehow, is crossing my lines and becoming too offensive to the Aquarian Shrink. So there we were and a judgement was passed.. "Such explicit language is not considered emotional outbursts and is not wanted on this forum. " Fine by me.. I'm never going back to that Hitler's Hen House again..

But just to be clear.. If you're trying to achieve a better standard of life where people have a very sensored life style and everyone is tucked in the sheets of mesmerizing beauty that comes from a culture of two faced individuals, who consider the OLD days of the world to be the best times... where women and individuality has no rights? well then suck on a lollypop and get in line to join "saddam hussain bacholar degree of dictatorship" I'm sure u'll be a fine Jack Asses!! when u come out.

Close Enough..

2005-07-09T00:02:00.000-07:00

I've had an incident in my life where I got too much emotionally involved in a song and couldn't record anything for hours.

I'm sitting infront of my laptop. Got my headphones on. Listening to Hotel California Live version. I don't know what is about this song that makes me cling to it everytime I play music. I guess it's the way the song is written. I guess it's the story behind the lyrics. The more I think about the song, the more i listen to it the more I want to know what the writer was feeling when he wrote this. And another thing that shakes me in my seat is the composition. I mean.. what were they thinking at that time? Honest to God I have no clue. But I know it would have hurt a hell lot more than what it represents. I wonder what the whole part of this creation would have been like. I guess I somehow feel it too. Maybe not as closely as they would have felt. But close enough.

Interesting Morning..

2005-07-07T05:24:00.000-07:00

Well.. this turned out to be an interesting morning for me. I got an email from a British Underground Rock Band who checked out some of my work. liked the song 'Yaadien', and asked me to review his work. Quite honestly I didn't know what to think at first.. I thought it was another paki new comer band from England but it turns out, they are some local kids. so.. I was just checking their work a few minutes ago. Quite Honestly.. they are pretty good.. I see the touch of some of my old favorites like Oasis, Led Z., David Bowie.. Anyways.. I thought I better put down the experience in here while am at it. :) Hmmm.. Interesting Morning..

Comfortable

2005-07-07T03:01:00.000-07:00

I just remembered that time at the market
Snuck up behind me and jumped on my shopping cart
And rode down
Aisle five

You looked behind you
Smiled back at me
And crashed into a rack full of magazines
They asked us
If we could leave

Can’t remember
What went wrong last September
Though I’m sure you’d remind me
If you had to

Our love was
Comfortable
And so broken in

I sleep with this new girl I’m still getting used to
Her friends all approve
Say she’s gonna be good for me
They throw me
High fives

She says the Bible is all that she reads
And prefers that I not use profanity
Your mouth was
So dirty

Life of the party
And she swears that she’s artsy
But you could distinguish
Miles from Coldtrain

Our love was
Comfortable
And so broken in

She’s perfect
So flawless
Or so they say

She thinks I can’t see
The smile that she’s faking
Poses for pictures
That aren’t being taken

I love you
Grey sweat pants
No make up
So perfect

Our love was
Comfortable
And so broken in

She’s perfect
So flawless
I’m not impressed
I want you back

Song by John Mayer

Eventually, it becomes You.

2005-07-05T21:52:00.000-07:00

Some wonder why people are the way they are. "They shouldn't be". Some question the reason of someone's ignorance. "They Shouldn't be". Just look in her eyes and tell me you don't see her reason to be the way she is...

First you fight it for as long as u can. But...

Eventually, It becomes You.

The Animal Inside

2005-07-05T21:25:00.000-07:00

what lies behind the exterior of the angry eyes?

whats behind it all that hurts so bad that it can't be shared?
what is the meaning of a delusion that crosses over the boundaries of imagination far beyond the conception of a normal human mind?

shhhhh.... don't ask. you might wake the animal inside the shell I wear.

The First and The Final.

2005-07-03T02:09:00.000-07:00

The First Look. Stuning.
The First Hello. Polite.
The First Smile. Beautiful.
The First Time She Spoke. Sweet Voice.
The First Spark. Unfamiliar and Complicated.
The First Touch. Electrifying.
The First Question. Silly.
The First Answer. Funny.
The First Conclusion. Unique.

So much is fading away from my memories. All of which I hold precious because thats all what is left.
So much I wish I could experience just one more time, before this life ends.
So much that can't be brought back because it's now just history.

I kept telling my self. I wont change. I wont change. No matter what happens. I will remain the same.

I've changed. I'm not the same person anymore. And that hurts even more.

I wish to forget everything... Everything.. There isn't much I can keep with me anymore.. All is connected together. No.. I can't keep all that in.. It hurts a lot..

Why? Why? and Why? COMON!!!!!!! is there even one answer?????

Why is it so hard to move on??.. i managed it once.. why can't I do it again???

it's part of a time frame. I want to remember just that... the rest please... take it away....

It's cold. It's windy. I'm there on top. Trying to fall down.. But just before that.. I want to scream!!

I can't. I have no voice anymore...

Where is it taking me?

what is this?

I like this shadow...

But it doesn't belong to me..

It's part of that darkness.

It's cold. It's wet.

I dont think I'm breathing anymore..

The First Tear.. Heart Breaking.
The First Request.. Breath Taking.
The First Fight.. Unforgettable.
The First Hug.. Fulfilling.
.......................
...............
........
............. *sign*

The Final Look. Unforgettable.
The Final Goodbye. Unforgettable.
The Final Smile. Unforgettable.
The Final Time She Spoke. Unforgettable
The Final Spark. Unforgettable
The Final Touch. Unforgettable
The Final Question. "Will you be Back?"
The Final Answer. "Yes"
The Final Conclusion. I can't

In the Arms of An Angel

2005-07-01T21:30:00.000-07:00

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight
In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

Song from Sarah McLachlan